Roe v. Wade meets The King of Pop

Say what!?


The names of the various bars in Fresno always conjure up a shudder and a pang of regret when I hear them.


Elephant Bar reminds me of the girl who invited me there and then promptly ditched me.


Cabo Wabo reminds me of the asshole who checked our IDs with a black light like he was in the FBI and wouldn't let my friend in because she had a passport ("This gets me into foreign countries but not into this shitty bar!?")


Pandora reminds me of Thanksgiving -- when I was homesick like crazy and stuck at a Fresno high school reunion.


BJs reminds me of when I first got here. I bought a round of shots for the people I was with and got the tab, 40 dollars.


Bliss reminds me of my friend St. Joe, who got a girl's phone number one night. She called two days later -- and told him all about her kids.


Ghaleb's reminds me of, well, Ghaleb's. The most overpriced hookah in the world, they won't let you change the TV channel even though nobody else is there, you can't order water without paying, and an ugly waitress will approach your party every 30 seconds asking if you want shots.


I've repressed the name of a hole-in-the-wall bar on Blackstone where the patrons made fun of us for not being old ("I bet none of y'all over 24! I could be yo daddy!") and I walked in the bathroom to find a man with no pants on clamoring around and mumbling to himself.


Fibber McGees.... ugh, old people.


A nightmare awaits at every turn.


Anyway, Roe lost their liquor license for 10 days. My nightmare story from Roe happened when we were hanging out outside one night. A huge truck pulled up (what TNJ calls a "small penis truck") and some people got out. We started heckling the driver about the unnecessary size of his truck.


Where I come from the driver would make fun of my tiny car in rebuttal and we'd all laugh. This guy ran directly into his friend (e.g. "hold me back!") and launched several empty threats at us. I think I cried that night.


They lost the license for a "string of incidents" including public intoxications (at a bar?... paging Ron White...) and assault (maybe the guy in the SPT actually came through one night). But I know the real reason:



It's the creepy Boy Scouts of America poster in the men's room!... This is, of course, Fresno's version of a Michael Jackson tribute. Ow!!!

You've just won 10 million dollars!!!... If I can come up with it.

"Um, yea... about that..." (Kudos to the bee for snapping such an appropriate pic)

The first real Fresno-esque news I've seen in a bit, and yet another textbook example of this city creating the type of nightmare most people don't know is possible.

So this dude, an ex-FSU football player, goes out and says he's donating 10 million bucks to the athletics department. Hey that's awesome, we ran a huge debt last year and we're facing huge budget cuts, this guy is a life saver!

Unfortunately I missed the big * next to the word pledge. He hasn't actually given anybody a dime, and apparently he may never. Seriously, who does that!? Where else does shit like this happen!? They didn't check his bank account?? Could I waltz over to some office and say I'm donating 10 mil and get not one, but TWO stories about me in the paper!? (You know, the second one comes out when they realize I'm broke)

On to the article:


Tipsters have provided The Bee and other news organizations with many allegations about Bigelow and his company. But none have been willing to go on the record with first-hand information and none of the claims could be verified.


Whatever Kudos actually are, I'm taking them back from the Bee.

The only blemish on Bigelow's legal record is a 2008 arrest for drunken driving and a later probation violation in which authorities said he drove with a suspended license.

Bigelow paid $1,720 in fines in the first case -- but only after it was sent to collection, Fresno County court records show.

So they squeezed 17 hundred bucks out of him after sending it to collections. He's gonna be like those people you see on the TV commercials, debt collectors calling day night and day: "I'm calling on behalf of Fresno State, you still owe us 10 million dollars. We're sending it to collections."

The rest of the article is just weird, here's the web gem:

"I've talked to several athletic directors around the country on very large donations and it's never been like this in any other community," Bigelow said.

Proof positive! Jordan fourth quarter in '92! Swoosh! Fresnomore