Awaxawhat!?

Welcome back to Fresnomore, brought to you by this giant cactus:

This picture was taken in the Mexican state of Oaxaca, which is being celebrated locally by a festival.

The shirt needs to now read, "Not Hispanic! Not Latino! Not Mexican! Oaxacaxacianan!!"

Yet another culture found in this crazy-ass clusterfuck. I'd go check out the festival, buuuuuuuut I don't have anyone to go with.

Elsewhere, a murder charge from 1974 was dropped today by local prosecutors. But wait! There's more:

Fresno County prosecutors this morning dropped murder charges against a 53-year-old man in a case that dates to New Year’s Day 1974 -- but the District Attorney’s Office says the case is far from over.

Dude, how much farther from over can this thing be? It's been 35 years! You tryin' to catch crooks on geologic time!?

I'm going to start counting how many strollers, homeless people on bikes, and good ol' bag people I see on my way to work, starting tomorrow. Aw shucks, let's make it a 3-for-1 and throw in the white trash.

It'll be a Fresno adaptation of the old Tiny Tunes bit!

You've just won 10 million dollars!!!... If I can come up with it.

"Um, yea... about that..." (Kudos to the bee for snapping such an appropriate pic)

The first real Fresno-esque news I've seen in a bit, and yet another textbook example of this city creating the type of nightmare most people don't know is possible.

So this dude, an ex-FSU football player, goes out and says he's donating 10 million bucks to the athletics department. Hey that's awesome, we ran a huge debt last year and we're facing huge budget cuts, this guy is a life saver!

Unfortunately I missed the big * next to the word pledge. He hasn't actually given anybody a dime, and apparently he may never. Seriously, who does that!? Where else does shit like this happen!? They didn't check his bank account?? Could I waltz over to some office and say I'm donating 10 mil and get not one, but TWO stories about me in the paper!? (You know, the second one comes out when they realize I'm broke)

On to the article:


Tipsters have provided The Bee and other news organizations with many allegations about Bigelow and his company. But none have been willing to go on the record with first-hand information and none of the claims could be verified.


Whatever Kudos actually are, I'm taking them back from the Bee.

The only blemish on Bigelow's legal record is a 2008 arrest for drunken driving and a later probation violation in which authorities said he drove with a suspended license.

Bigelow paid $1,720 in fines in the first case -- but only after it was sent to collection, Fresno County court records show.

So they squeezed 17 hundred bucks out of him after sending it to collections. He's gonna be like those people you see on the TV commercials, debt collectors calling day night and day: "I'm calling on behalf of Fresno State, you still owe us 10 million dollars. We're sending it to collections."

The rest of the article is just weird, here's the web gem:

"I've talked to several athletic directors around the country on very large donations and it's never been like this in any other community," Bigelow said.

Proof positive! Jordan fourth quarter in '92! Swoosh! Fresnomore

Fiesta Night!!

I've read Pat Hill's rant to the LA Times about Univision Stadium and the Hispanic version of Notre Dame, but this actually looks serious:

So in partnership with Hispanic businesses and media organizations, the Bulldogs will hold the inaugural Bulldog Football Fiesta Night for the Sept. 5 home opener against UC Davis.

Great idea, I'll admit it. Especially against a snoozer 1-AA team.

"Today for the first time I can truly say I think we have a chance to truly paint the Valley red," Hill said excitedly.

Glad he was excited.


I got it! So Notre Dame has that sign thing. We should get our own sign, but instead of it saying "Play like a Champion Today" it can say, "Today for the first time I can truly say I think we have a chance to truly paint the valley red."

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In a related story, Mexico is donating 11,000 books to Fresno County. So... um... does this count as illegal immigration?

Another "interesting" Fresno Bee quote:

"I study with them in Spanish because I don't know English," Baleriano said.

Bu, But, bu, bu how did... could she!? Did it, was it.... ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????/

Okay, just playin.

Some of Ewing's students in the immersion program performed songs at the ceremony as they clutched small U.S. and Mexican flags.

... and the rest of the students wondered what they could do to feel special about the race they did not choose to be... and again.

Thwarted again!

My grand escape plan failed, so I'm stuck here again for another year. I apologize for the lack of updates, I'll be much more busy this summer than I was in the spring.

FSU sent me the world's most hilarious crime alert a few days ago:

Crime Alert

Forcible Fondling

Wednesday, May 27th at approximately 5:25 p.m. a report came in to the University Police Department from a woman walking in front of Science I building. A man came up behind her and touched her buttocks. The man then fled the scene towards the Science I building.

Suspect Information
Light Skinned Male
Age: Mid-twenties
Height: 5’9”
Weight: 150lbs
Dark Hair, approximately 3” long, clean shaven
wearing a short sleeve white polo shirt

Bear with me, I will pick up the 'No soon

Make-up Call

"I'm 18!"

You know, like when the ref makes a TERRIBLE pass interference call and then calls offensive holding on the other team a few plays later:

Crime Alert Attempted Robbery Date/Time of Crime:

Thursday, May 14, 2009Approx. 2:30 p.m.

Location:

Maple Ave. two blocks south of Shaw Ave.

Incident Information:

Thursday, May 14th a report was made to Fresno Police Department that an individual was walking southbound Maple Avenue two blocks south of Shaw, when confronted by one black or Hispanic male and one white male with a knife. The victim was not physically injured and did not give up any personal belongings. The two suspects fled the scene on foot north towards the university and then east towards an apartment complex.

Suspect Information:

Suspect 1 White Male19-25 years old Height: 5ft. 7in. or 5ft. 8in.Weight: 150lbs light brown facial hair wearing a tan hat and white shirt

Suspect 2Black or Hispanic Male18 years oldHeight: 5ft. 7in. or 5ft. 8in. Weight: 150lbsdark hair wearing a dark t-shirt

This really is one of the goofiest things I've seen from FSU. Why do we need to hear about an attempted robbery? To prove that they can take less than 19 hours to report a crime, of course.

They pulled a knife on somebody and didn't take anything? And if they fled north and then east "towards an apartment complex", that's a pretty narrow location. How hard can it be?

Even funnier, the one guy is definitely white but is somewhere between 19 and 25 years old. And the other guy is DEFINITELY 18, but might be black and might be hispanic. How hard can it be? Did you see his hair?

Not to slam the FPD, but it just ain't necessary. Swallow your embarrassment from a few days ago and move on. Then again, I got a few laughs out of it, so it's aaaaaaaaall good.

Disbarred Fresno lawyer questions himself at trial

Not much going on today, I'm moving all my ish out for the summer and I leave town tomorrow!

Haven't noticed anyone else commenting on this, but come on, it's so damn funny. The lawyer saga continues:

On the witness stand Wednesday, Morris asked himself whether he had stolen any money from his clients.

"Absolutely not," he answered.

But if a theft occurred, Morris asked himself, should he be held accountable?

"At the time I was not myself," he told the panel. "I did not understand the consequences of my actions."

I can't even figure out the logistics! Did he actually run between the witness stand and where the questioner normally sits ala Speedy Gonzalez playing tennis? Did he just recite the monologue like it was nothing unusual?... Hmmm, it might actually work for him. He does sound pretty insane to me...

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I walked past an overweight, basically unattractive woman yesterday and overheard her say she was against abortion because women make their "choice" to get pregnant when they open their legs. No seriously.

The chick being anti-abortion was not surprising, but the language! Who says that!?

Dr. Laura should move here. In fact, she should trade places with me.

"You'd fit right in, BITCH!!!"

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So dude, back to the Sacramento Hmong trial thing. I just realized that the Shaman's name was "Wang Her Vang". Awesome. Just don't tell any overweight basically unattractive women you might walk by...

The valley now has swine flu.

The valley now has the nation's no. 1 unemployment rate.

The next story? Well, of course, the Fresno zoo might expand.

That's EXAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACTLY what we need!!!

More local ish

I apologize for not updating in the last few days, as I experienced the full fallout from my vacation -- i.e. I got depressed from realizing I really am stuck here for a whole nother year and I'll be another year older when I get out -- jeez, feels like a damn prison sentence.

My buddy told me there was a story in the Bee involving a kidnapping. The dude had gone to a local high school and offered some girls candy. The dude was dumb enough to believe that ish from the movies! Thinks he's in a holy cross between the Truman Show and a creepy episode of Unsolved Mysteries... probably makes a chick keep her bra on to have sex. Um, never mind, I couldn't find the link anyway.

For all the men in Fresno who wish they could get some gender lawsuit action, it just happened! They gave some old man $348,000 because it turns out he didn't assault somebody. Now there's an accomplishment worthy of Fresno.

Lastly, there's a story about local thieves who drop a string with glue on the end into mailboxes to steal the mail. So they're replacing the public mailboxes with something else. Crimes that don't even exist in other places are a problem here!

Wish me luck as I try to numb myself today.

Preview!

So Fresno State has something called "Vintage Days". I attended the first of these today and found out that the first day technically isn't part of Vintage Days. There were a bunch of useless arts and crafts (you know, like lawn windmills that are painted like ducks and the moving part makes it look like the duck is running when the wind blows). It reminded me of fairs my mother would take me to when I was little. Maybe tomorrow will have a little more of a youthful flair eh?

One of the booths had carved wooden signs. I had the Fresnikon this time and even took pictures... but I forgot that I let someone borrow the USB cable for it. Anyway, one of the sets of signs had couples, and, surprisingly enough, one of those read "Obama and Michelle." Wow! A redneck shoutout to the new prez!

Then again, his first name isn't Obama. Correctly it would be "Barack and Michelle". Or, I guess, "Obama and Obama", which would be kind of like "Gumble to Gumble".

Tomorrow should prove to be much more "vintage". It's been a rough week.

# Police: Man stabs beagle, claims self-defense 11:27 am Wed

"Them's fangs! She's goin' the way of Old Yeller."


"Officers determined the beagle merely wanted to be held."

Love it!

Okay, enough Bee. And no, I won't be attending the Tea party. Work I didn't know existed came up (really I shouldn't even be updating this, but that's commitment baby!)

Valleysportspulse, I love ya, but it's gettin' a little TOO local. There's a story today about the Fresno City College baseball coach and about four more about high school baseball... c'mon George, why don't you just write about the pick-up baseball game your kid played in the back yard yesterday! Remember the controversy over who tagged third base (A.K.A. "a tree") first? What about the dispute over whether Mom yelling "dinner's ready" constituted an interruption in play? Then again, maybe people really do care about NAIA baseball... it's Fresno after all.

Fresnofamous.com gets updated less than Fresnomore, yay!... except that means there's nothing to comment on there either...

And lastly, the Fresno Beehive is covering where you can get cheap food today and has a review of Amerian idol.

I don't mean to be so critical of other web sites... they're all certainly better than this one. And I would love, really LOVE to generate some original content, but I have no life out here.

It didn't used to be be like this!!!

Store bought just ain't the same...

After reading today about the ridiculous tea parties going on across America, I should have known that there would be one here.
(What passes for clever to old white people)

How these are supposed to relate to the original Boston tea party I don't even know. The slogan, "Taxed Enough Already" is such a sham that I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it. Anybody else wanna bet that the idiots pouring out Arizona brand iced tea across America don't make 200,000 dollars a year or more? Hmm, I'm sure I could find some Fresno idiot to take me up, maybe even the guy who said this:

"We're being taxed without being heard. We're hoping to get enough people involved, and have a loud enough voice, to force the politicians to listen to us."

"So, you didn't get to vote last November? Oh, you did!? And, hey, aren't you about to have your words quoted in the local newspaper? Oh, you are!?!? Well, in that case you sound kind of like a whiny only child!"

Aren't tea parties an English thing? I thought y'all hated foreign countries. And hey, you could drink the tea you know! Save some money since you're so conservative! To recap, they're raising Hell in support of rich folks who screw them over every day, and whining about getting taxed less!

As I get older, it saddens me to find that the right really exists like this. I keep waking up thinking, "There has got to me more to these people than this. They really believe this childish bullshit!?!?"

Speaking of which, the govanaata was in Fresno today!

Reading the article, the state of California becomes even more baffling. Apparently, he's here in order to support a program which will train health care workers because there aren't enough here already. Aren't we in a recession? Isn't the unemployment rate skyrocketing in this "economic disaster area?" And people still aren't trying to get into this field? Then there's the fact that government money will pay to train people. Aren't conservatives against that sort of thing? I thought the free market was supposed to fix the problem. And aren't there millions of "illegals" who would die for a job like that and fix the problem that way?

As the scientists say, these proposals are not even wrong. Refuting them gets us no closer to an actual solution. You ask if these are good ideas, and I respond, "F-No!"

Top 10 reasons Fresno is... cool?

Oh great, here's some bull-ish if I EVER seen it.

1. Commitment to our community. Okay, yea most people in Fresno are very committed to Fresno... cuz they've never been anywhere else! Oooooooooooooh.

2. World-class agriculture. I'll give it to 'em here. Fresno has lots of agriculture and fresh vegetables and stuff because of it.... and they've got the cow-poo smell to prove it.

3.Entertainment and Leisure... Oh please:

The 16,000-seat Save Mart Center on campus is one of the world’s best-attended concert venues

I mean, I'm sure it's in the top 3 or 4 hundred venues....

4. Bulldog pride! They're right, no one else has Bulldog pride! Except Louisiana Tech, oh and Georgia.... yea and Yale too. Yep, and um, Gonzaga. What the F-No is that thing from Georgetown? I think a Hoya is just a disguised Bulldog... so, we're ALMOST unique!

5. Emphasis on academics. Really? You're really saying we're the only college in the country, in the WORLD with an emphasis on academics!?!? Okay, sure.

6. Centrally located in California. Well sure, as long as you don't count Fresno City College, and Fresno Pacific, and UC-Merced, and a bunch of other colleges in the valley.

7. Excellence in Academic research. Definitely unique here.

8. Environmental Sustainability. Really!? We've got some of the worst air in the nation and you're putting this ish up here!?!? Only in Fresno.

9. Distinguished Alumni. Lane Kiffin is among these. He's distinguished... albeit for accusing coaches of lying and telling players they will end up pumping gas if they don't go to Tennessee... so yea, unique!

10. Richness in culture, creativity and diversity. Yea, real diverse. I've never seen seen so many drug dealers from all walks in my life!


I'll leave you with another creative Fresno criminal. This dude asked a chick for a dollar. She was nice enough to give him one... and then he punched her in the ribs and took the damn purse! How clever! Check out his description:

Police said the man ran east on Ninth Street. He is described as about 18 to 20 years old, about 5 feet-11 inches tall, medium build, with a bad complexion and bleached buzz-cut hair. He was wearing a baggy white T-shirt and dark-colored shorts.

Sisqo makin' a comeback!?... Only in Fresno (not saying it was necessarily a black guy... just saying that NOBODY bleaches their hair anymore).... yea.... Only in Fresno

"This is Fresno people, everyone here is recycled!"

"Yea, the world-famous Fresno Sanitary Landfill!"


No, you idiot, not THAT kind of recycled. I asked a few friends for help with "The List" and the lovely Ms. Summitt came up with a good one. She said she heard a radio call-in show ask the question, "How does a person's past affect relationships? Should people ditch someone because of their past?"

And the best response was, "Come on now people. You know if your man use to sleep with tons of people in his past that he's probably got something now. This is Fresno people, everyone here is recycled!"

Not quite as terrifying as the last time I heard "This is Fresno" (see The List #18), but probably even more disgusting.

What are our boys at VSP up to? Oh, must be a slow news day, and by slow I mean tectonic-plate-action-flattening-the-rocky-mountains. It's a profile on our boy O'Neal! David Carr is in town, there's spring football, baseball is going strong, and there was an article last week half-dedicated to him, but whatevs. Actually, this is great, because it provides more hilarity. Check out the quote from Paul George:

“We learned so much from Dwight,” said freshman forward Paul George. “He talks about his past and things that he’s done. He tells us the do’s and the don’ts... it’s kind of good to have kind of an extra coach."

I can just see him calling up the Frosh's the day after his arrest in February; "Hey guys, I got a new "don't" for ya; Driving with a suspended license."..."Thanks man, you're like an extra coach!"

I still can't figure out how to get the actual front-page news from The Bee from their web site. It just runs a continuous stream of local stories straight out of Jackass 3: Uncut Fresno Edition. Just check out this headline: "Boys unharmed in dumpster fire set while playing with a lighter."

No Comment.

Looking for Fresno's craziness is so easy, it's kind of enjoyable. Funny, but just running this blog has made me like the place a little more. It's freaking unique!

fmylife.com... you know, Fresno My Life

Filled out a tournament bracket yesterday even though I don't watch basketball. My apartment complex had some competition where you could win a Nintendo Wii. I figured why not, it's just a big guessing game anyway. After 20 minutes of jumbling through colleges I've never heard of like Siena, Binghamton, and Wake Forest, the chick at the counter tells me it isn't actually a Wii up for grabs... it's some movie tickets.

Go Kansas! If you guys win it all I can give the Watchmen even more money instead of bootlegging it!

I figured out today that what the Fresno Bee puts on the front of its web site doesn't match front of the paper. The top story online right now is about a paving worker who suffered first degree burns in a flash fire.

First off, don't they mean third-degree burns? I thought first degree burns meant stuff like sunburn. Surely it ain't THAT slow a news day.

Anyway, I'll figure out how to get the real front-page news soon, but first I need to make sure LSU beats Butler.

Lastly, according to VSP.com "Save Mart is no longer part of the annual Save Mart Shootout".

Well if they aren't, then what are they? And what is it? How? This is reminiscent of the old Louis C.K. act:

"...Why?"

"... Because some things ARE and some things AREN'T!"

"Why?"

"Well... you can't NOT BE!!"

"...Why?"


Don't worry, you'll figure it out tomorrow.

Luck 'o the Fresnish

Believe me, I didn't want St. Patrick's Day to end up like most things that should be fun do in this city. I tried to believe it would be better, but 'No.

We left last night around 9:30, all festive and dressed in green. We arrived at a place called Grogg's or something and got ready to get ID'd. But, as soon as we walked up a bouncer began talking to TNJ in a way that said, even through the loud music, "You're not gettin in."

Turns out they closed at 10!

Silly us, we should've known better. It was a freaking school night after all!

Next stop, some other crappy pseudo-Irish bar. We pulled up to find a line outside longer than a Fresno strip mall.

Defeated, we decided on good old Red Wave. Red Wave is a nice little hole in the wall. Comfortable, but not really exciting. We rolled all the way up to the door, and just when we thought there was no line, we got one, this time it was longer than Blackstone Avenue.

Double defeated, we went to a convenience store go buy beer and head to somebody's house. We went to grab the beer, and found that the door was locked. Not the front door, just the door to the beer. For some reason they make you get a key to grab the stuff before you even buy it. Presumably it's to prevent theft. But really, if someone wanted to take the beer and run, they would just do so after using the key, right? There are no winners here!

But, a silver lining! If you look under my buddy's left forearm you can see it: There was a green piece of plastic connecting the key to the dust-collector thingy.

This place has the spirit after all.

...And then we went home and slugged the beer down quick so we could pass out and forget where we were for a few hours.

Bran...stateAAh!

All riiiiiiiight! Checking out the ol' (not that it'll ever get old) valleysportspulse.com, we see a story about how our boy Tommy Brandstater did well at the NFL combine. Check out the advice his agent gave him about his torn lat muscle:

“When we first warmed up, you weren’t supposed to have any phones, any contact with anybody,” Brandstater said. But I snuck my phone out there and texted my trainer. I said I can’t do this anymore. There’s no way I’ll be able to throw. I’ll just make myself look bad. He never responded, so I just kind of said screw it. I’ll just go out there and see what I can do.”

Boy, his trainer sure was worried about his draft status! "Ah, it's Stater again... I'm too busy with, um, this bottle of shampoo right now."

So he did well at the combine, but at day's end his muscle was 70-percent torn. Looks like our boy is in for a great NFL career.

(Brandstater wonders where it went wrong. "I really thought he liked me this time!")


Baseball:
Looks like our National Championship baseball team is off to a hot start, they beat Buffalo (Buffalo?) 20-0 Saturday night for their fourth win over that team in just over a week. It looked like a good Nelson-from-the-Simpsons style bullying joke would work well here, but Fresno provides better comedy. In the 7th inning, the Moog-synthesizer-inspired PA system went out. We hold these truths to be self-evident... that Fresno is jacked.

(PA guy with ghetto bullhorn: "Your attention plese, FSU now has a new mascot. Time Out will be replaced by "Time Off." The position has been filled by whoever the Hell runs the facilities crew.")

What, oh what will Monday bring to F-No. more