Vintage days!? More like Vintage Fresno...

So I got up the courage to head down to Vintage days at Fresno State. Surely this won't suck, I thought. I have no idea why the event even happens or why it's called Vintage Days. Maybe they'll be giving away some free kuzies (sp?) or something, maybe a step show or a singer or a band.

Sorry, no pikchas. Soon! Soon!

Anyway, WRONG! No kuzies, no music, no entertainment. It was a bunch of booths -- and every single one was trying to sell you something. Fresno mentality, me me me! So many of them were selling food that it was virtually impossible any of them would make a profit. I went to my buddy's booth and bought a hot dog to be nice. It was three bucks. He asked if I wanted green peppers and onions, I said sure and handed him a twenty. He handed back 16. I asked for my other dollar.

Green peppers and onions cost a dollar extra. Oh, em, gee.

Back to the Frind...

Alas, my lovely vacation from the 'No is 'No more. However, this did give me an update of the airport. Whereas I have made fun of the FAT in the past for it's high praise of Yosemite Park at the expense of the city of Fresno, it has really outdone itself this time:

(Fresnomore sincerely apologizes for the insanely low quality of the pictures)

They now have life-sized replicas of the redwood trees to give off the impression that you are actually inside the park! It's gone from "Don't pay attention to the Fresno part" to "Don't worry, you're not really even in Fresno." Both baggage claim conveyors also have big pictures of the dome thingy now.

Another Fresno First happened today. Heading down to Target on Blackstone I noticed something peculiar; the Target was closed!

"Not our fault! If you're in Fresno, you've obviously missed the target anyway."

No idea why this Target is closed. Also, I didn't know the entire storefront can be covered a la the garage at your house. Cool! Except that I can't buy a dress shirt for 3 dollars now...

Lastly, while the Easter picnic shooting and the apparently-heated Bullard pool controversy are tempting, I'll leave you this Sunday with a more personal take on the weirdness in Fresno. You see, while my good buddy and fellow non-Fresnan Abazu was away, his cramped fridge became even more crowded:

This is yet another ongoing problem for him, as he gets less and less room for his own things. And I know what you're thinking; "Really? You're that biased that you're complaining about your friend's refrigerator? As if that one fridge represents every single fridge in Fresno?"

Yes, I am, but that's just it. There isn't one thing that makes this city weird, nothing you can definitively put your finger on. It's a multitude of small things that make no sense which eventually build into a cacophony that pushes you ever so slightly closer to insanity every day you spend here. Of which, this is a good example.

Abazu has a few grapes and a loaf of bread in the bottom shelf. Among the things you will find in this veritable Where's Waldo or Who's Who of Fresno Refrigerator Items are at least 3 bottles of liquor and an energy drink which all have been there since at least September (not sure why the liquor bottles need to be refrigerated), three separate loaves of bread (all open), at least two 2-liter soft drink bottles (in place since January), eggs, oranges which were placed squarely in the middle of the thing instead of a drawer (you know, where you'd expect to find them) and, as you can see, TONS and TONS of Tupperware (who knows if any of the food contained therein is any good at this point).

I once got bold and drank one of the energy drinks which lingered in the murky depths of the back right-hand corner of the fridge. Abazu received a complaint soon thereafter about how that drink would have been used for studying that night. Not only is this negligible on its own terms seeing as how old the drink was, there was another months-old energy drink in the back left-hand corner of the fridge that, apparently, neither party knew about.

If not yet convinced that this is a true Fresnism, remember two more things:

1. The people who push this fridge to its limits with bacteria-laden leftovers simultaneously refuse to use (or let anyone else use) the dishwasher because they view it as unsanitary.

2. Believe it or not, there is also a mini fridge on the other side of the room, itself packed with unused liquor bottles and a 5-gallon jug of spring water.

I'd drink from the liquor bottles in order to forget where I was, but then it would inevitably be the one night they were going to use them... Only

Luck 'o the Fresnish

Believe me, I didn't want St. Patrick's Day to end up like most things that should be fun do in this city. I tried to believe it would be better, but 'No.

We left last night around 9:30, all festive and dressed in green. We arrived at a place called Grogg's or something and got ready to get ID'd. But, as soon as we walked up a bouncer began talking to TNJ in a way that said, even through the loud music, "You're not gettin in."

Turns out they closed at 10!

Silly us, we should've known better. It was a freaking school night after all!

Next stop, some other crappy pseudo-Irish bar. We pulled up to find a line outside longer than a Fresno strip mall.

Defeated, we decided on good old Red Wave. Red Wave is a nice little hole in the wall. Comfortable, but not really exciting. We rolled all the way up to the door, and just when we thought there was no line, we got one, this time it was longer than Blackstone Avenue.

Double defeated, we went to a convenience store go buy beer and head to somebody's house. We went to grab the beer, and found that the door was locked. Not the front door, just the door to the beer. For some reason they make you get a key to grab the stuff before you even buy it. Presumably it's to prevent theft. But really, if someone wanted to take the beer and run, they would just do so after using the key, right? There are no winners here!

But, a silver lining! If you look under my buddy's left forearm you can see it: There was a green piece of plastic connecting the key to the dust-collector thingy.

This place has the spirit after all.

...And then we went home and slugged the beer down quick so we could pass out and forget where we were for a few hours.

allot of stupids out there

By a miracle was able to find a Fresno blogger who agreed with me on an issue today. Unfortunately it's still embarrassing. The references to "kimmo therapy" and "allot of stupids out there are pissed" ruin the reciprocal feelings.

Elsewhere, it's St. Patrick's Day. I will go out tonight (to my own detriment) and tell of the green nightmares tomorrow.

-FNM