Make-up Call

"I'm 18!"

You know, like when the ref makes a TERRIBLE pass interference call and then calls offensive holding on the other team a few plays later:

Crime Alert Attempted Robbery Date/Time of Crime:

Thursday, May 14, 2009Approx. 2:30 p.m.

Location:

Maple Ave. two blocks south of Shaw Ave.

Incident Information:

Thursday, May 14th a report was made to Fresno Police Department that an individual was walking southbound Maple Avenue two blocks south of Shaw, when confronted by one black or Hispanic male and one white male with a knife. The victim was not physically injured and did not give up any personal belongings. The two suspects fled the scene on foot north towards the university and then east towards an apartment complex.

Suspect Information:

Suspect 1 White Male19-25 years old Height: 5ft. 7in. or 5ft. 8in.Weight: 150lbs light brown facial hair wearing a tan hat and white shirt

Suspect 2Black or Hispanic Male18 years oldHeight: 5ft. 7in. or 5ft. 8in. Weight: 150lbsdark hair wearing a dark t-shirt

This really is one of the goofiest things I've seen from FSU. Why do we need to hear about an attempted robbery? To prove that they can take less than 19 hours to report a crime, of course.

They pulled a knife on somebody and didn't take anything? And if they fled north and then east "towards an apartment complex", that's a pretty narrow location. How hard can it be?

Even funnier, the one guy is definitely white but is somewhere between 19 and 25 years old. And the other guy is DEFINITELY 18, but might be black and might be hispanic. How hard can it be? Did you see his hair?

Not to slam the FPD, but it just ain't necessary. Swallow your embarrassment from a few days ago and move on. Then again, I got a few laughs out of it, so it's aaaaaaaaall good.

"I plead insanity." "pssst. No, you idiot! The LAWYER is pleading insanity!!"

Leading off, a truly crazy story. A local lawyer is pleading insanity. As noted earlier, they usually tell their clients to do that right? Say it with me boys...

"IT'S FRENOOOOO!!"

So the dude swindled a ton of clients out of money between '02 and '04. And he's pleading insanity because of a tragic plane crash -- in 1992. Apparently it took him 10 years to realize he was insane.

More importantly, his mental insanity just happened to make him a lot of money! And now that they caught him, the insanity is gone (suppressed by meds anyway). Interesting case. Surely the jury won't buy a 10-year delay for post-traumatic stress disorder. Eh.

-------------------------------------

I went to Wal-Mart today:

I'm not gonna go there again for a while.

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On a serious note, there's some big Hmong trial going on in Sacramento.

I read the article but am still fuzzy on the details, especially where the guy on trial stands historically. However, I can still point to this as a chief example of Valley mentality.

An ocean of Hmong went to Sacramento to say the trial should be dismissed.
"It's a fact cuz we say it is!"

Plainly, obviously, these people were not making calls based on evidence. It's not even possible 8,000 Hmong all came to the same conclusion dialectically while almost everyone from the other races evaluated the situation and came to the opposite one.

Excerpt:

...a defining moment, comparable to marches led by Martin Luther King Jr...

That would be accurate if there were currently Jim Crow laws against Hmong.

Here's a gem:

Sacramento shaman Wang Her Vang burned symbolic paper money as a sacrifice to the ancestral spirits, asking them to release the case.

This is retarded by itself. But really, you couldn't even burn some ones? Cheap ass...

And so it goes. The Hmong know they're getting screwed. So do the Armenians. So do the Filipinos, the Koreans, the Hispanics, the Blacks, the Indians, Hell even the Whites for cyin' out loud!

I saw a shirt the other day that said, "Not Latino, not Hispanic, Mexican!"

I know a guy and a girl who are both Indian, both Gujarati Indian at that, but their parents won't let them date because they are from different classes within their race within a race.

Do you see how this place drives me insane?

(Don't even try calling me racist, I'm not. And if you do, I'll just pull a Fresno and plead insanity... my dog died when I was 10.)

San Francisco

"Fresno, welcome to the freak show!"

Boy, I don’t even want to describe San Francisco to y’all who probably think of it romantically. But shit, I have never felt like such an old school gentleman than I did there. I kept looking at the MOTHERF—— FREAKS that roamed the streets, and every time I did I got a vision of my Dad, complete with his perfect accent, “But you agree with their politics!” To which I answered, HELL NO! I’d vote against gay marriage my whole life if it means not bein one of these people! I never felt so normal in my life.

RNJ and Abazu have somehow been Fresnoized and ditched me on Thursday. I tried to prove how independent I am by going to San Francisco for Cannabis Freedom Day with the NORML people that I didn’t really know. And to be honest, they were some weird folks. Actually, they weren’t that weird. But they were the most obvious, ridiculous, stereotypical losers I’ve ever met. They met almost every stereotype imaginable of losers. I felt like I was in a movie. The dude liked to spout out random facts (“facts” really) and once finished one by saying, (while awkwardly making eye contact with me through the rear-view mirror) “And that’s why they call me knowledge.” I guess that’s his nickname.

Then later he was driving crazy (he was absolutely the worst driver I have EVER ridden with, I was f-ing terrified) and said, “I don’t drive fast, I fly low.” No irony… none. His car had a camera that showed what was behind you when you backed up. I freaked out because it was so new and amazing to me. He STILL had to readjust literally 5 times to parallel park. One of the times he completely started over, but he wouldn’t let anyone get out of the car to help him. Then we finally parked and he told us to wait and got out of the car and then got back in and readjusted two more times. I hope my writing makes this sound as tedious as it was. Later we spent literally an hour looking for a Chili’s. After half an hour I got the courage to say, “You know, we could eat somewhere else, ha ha, ha.” No response. It had to be a freaking Chili’s! Why!?!? WTF!?!?

But dude, the worst incident ever. Loser dude walked to the restroom in Carl's Jr. Two gross looking homeless girls ask him what time it is. He whips out his phone to find out. They ask if they can use it. He politely says no and walks toward the bathroom. They stop him by saying, “Our friend is in there.” He asks, “Are you in line?” They respond, “No, we already used it.”

We already used it

Words cannot describe how grossed out I was at that point. I had to pee bad, and there was nothing on this earth going to make me go to that bathroom. The other group of bums was discussing various issues and they looked scary.

We ate the food in the car.

I mean, even the bums were a bunch of freaks! We finally got to city hall where the event was taking place. It was small, yard sale small. Not the big, cool event I was hoping for. I thought the whole ‘legalize weed!’ movement was somewhat mainstream. I was wrong. This was a fringe group of scary people. Everyone looked messed up, and they were weird. Three separate guys in their 60s and 70s were there with tattoos, fucked up and dancing. They were – and they were certainly in their heads – living out the real dream of the hippies to live that life as long as they live. But dude, these were old men who should’ve had families and relatives, and it was scary as Hell seeing them act this way. They were just too old for that! Call me bigoted, call me whatever you like, but it scared me then and I hate it now.

In an unrelated incident of how I don’t understand Californians, I saw a friend of mine get a sales pitch thrown at him, which he declined. Thinking it would make good conversation, I went and asked him what that craaaaaazy man had offered him. He looks at me confused – and points directly to the man, who gives me the same lame-ass sales pitch. I say “no” in a way that says “Are you seriously trying to sell me this bullshit” and “I can’t believe he just directed me to a scammer” at the same time.

I got tickled by one song by this old man playing blues. The song went, “I’d rather be sloppy drunk, than (blah blah blah).” And he sang it with this rough, heavy voice that suggested he really WOULD rather be sloppy drunk than anything else. It wasn’t a comedy song but I thought it was funny as Hell, hilarious in its own right on top of the irony of playing this ode to alcohol at a weed convention. I saw him later smoking a cigarette and had the brilliant idea of asking him if he really would rather be sloppy drunk than anything, but chickened out.

Lastly, the people I was with were big time liberals, yet they still had the central valley mentality. We arrived promptly at noon, walked around very organized and normal (read: none of the ridiculous mischief I’m used to getting into), and then left promptly at 5. Inside the incredibly generic Chili’s the leader of the group said he knew it felt early, but we’d be glad we left early after the long ride home. I felt like I was with someone’s Dad, but not my Dad, because he’s not that lame. Also, the main chick in the group made no less than 5 statements about how she was glad a man was driving, how men anchor their women, how great gender roles are, and other 18^th-century shit I couldn’t believe was coming from a girl in 2009 much less a marijuana legalization advocate. Oh and one dude almost threw up from drinking two beers.

Lame-azz wannabees......

First off, I'd like to congratulate Fresno for becoming California's 5th largest city. Yay.

Elsewhere, the city dropped Mayor Swearengin's plan to use GPS devices to track sex offenders even after they have been released. It's a great idea, but, um, oh ish, it's not legal. I tell you what though, if she had ran on making weed cheaper in Fresno I'd have voted for her anyway.

Speaking of sex offenders, a famous one is about to move back here!! Sherman Polk is apparently famous around these parts and has been in jail since 1985. But he still knows where the action is baby; Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeef Naw.

And on a personal note, I had a very "special" trip planned for this weekend to San Francisco. Me and two friends had planned on it since January and by Tuesday night had worked out most of the details. On Thursday, they both suddenly had different plans. One wanted to "go to Vegas!" on a whim (Las Vegas is overrated BS from lame movies BTW) and the other, more bizarrely, wanted to go to San Luis Obispo.

The Vegas guy went, the SLO guy didn't. And I'm still going to San Fran dammit!... albeit with people I barely know. I won't blame my friends' erratic behavior on Fresno because they are not from here and I'd thought before yesterday that they were above the lameness of the city. Rather, they have engaged in some sort of pathetic alpha male stunt. San Francisco wouldn't work because it was my idea and they couldn't be so shamed.

Pardon my French, but Fresno 'em.

What's so special about Fresno?

Oh ish, this is what I've been waiting for. I received an invitation to take a survey about what makes Fresno so special.
"So tell me, good sir, what three words describe the best things about being waterboarded?"


Here's the link (though it probably won't last long)

Among what you might like about Fresno is the choice: Limited earthquakes, floods, tornados or snow. Okay, it is pretty good in the national disaster area.

Crap, the second questions asks me to rank my top 3 choices. I only picked 2! (the other was agricultural heritage) Okay, I added "fresh produce", since that's basically agricultural heritage 2.0

Now I need to use three words to describe Fresno's personality. Let's see: Satisfied, uncreative, divided. Divided isn't quite right, it's hard to describe how the place is diverse and yet there is no diversity at all because people stick so hard to only others from their race. But um, we'll go with divided.

Next: when talking about the Fresno region, what do I brag about? Jeez, the winter is mild I guess.

Hmm, is the region's image getting better or worse? I really have no idea, but I hope that one day someone will read this blog (just a hobby BTW, not something I expect to get anything out of), so I'll say it's getting worse.

Will we overcome the negative image? Not if I can help it, ya baaastuds!

How is Fresno's esteem? I must admit, it's at least average. There is a strange pride among the locals about Fresno... I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Now they want to know if I'm a manager or business owner, I guess they want to see if my opinion ACTUALLY matters. I'm neither, so I guess it doesn't.

Aaaaaand the demographic information.

The Bee seems to have taken notice of how ludicrous the city looks to a viewer of its local stories and has started hiding the really funny ones in other areas of its web site. When I quit being so lazy I'll figure out where. In the meantime, they still couldn't hide the Bulldog gang member who tattooed his 7-year-old son against his will. Claaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassic!

More local ish

I apologize for not updating in the last few days, as I experienced the full fallout from my vacation -- i.e. I got depressed from realizing I really am stuck here for a whole nother year and I'll be another year older when I get out -- jeez, feels like a damn prison sentence.

My buddy told me there was a story in the Bee involving a kidnapping. The dude had gone to a local high school and offered some girls candy. The dude was dumb enough to believe that ish from the movies! Thinks he's in a holy cross between the Truman Show and a creepy episode of Unsolved Mysteries... probably makes a chick keep her bra on to have sex. Um, never mind, I couldn't find the link anyway.

For all the men in Fresno who wish they could get some gender lawsuit action, it just happened! They gave some old man $348,000 because it turns out he didn't assault somebody. Now there's an accomplishment worthy of Fresno.

Lastly, there's a story about local thieves who drop a string with glue on the end into mailboxes to steal the mail. So they're replacing the public mailboxes with something else. Crimes that don't even exist in other places are a problem here!

Wish me luck as I try to numb myself today.

Vintage days!? More like Vintage Fresno...

So I got up the courage to head down to Vintage days at Fresno State. Surely this won't suck, I thought. I have no idea why the event even happens or why it's called Vintage Days. Maybe they'll be giving away some free kuzies (sp?) or something, maybe a step show or a singer or a band.

Sorry, no pikchas. Soon! Soon!

Anyway, WRONG! No kuzies, no music, no entertainment. It was a bunch of booths -- and every single one was trying to sell you something. Fresno mentality, me me me! So many of them were selling food that it was virtually impossible any of them would make a profit. I went to my buddy's booth and bought a hot dog to be nice. It was three bucks. He asked if I wanted green peppers and onions, I said sure and handed him a twenty. He handed back 16. I asked for my other dollar.

Green peppers and onions cost a dollar extra. Oh, em, gee.

Top 10 reasons Fresno is... cool?

Oh great, here's some bull-ish if I EVER seen it.

1. Commitment to our community. Okay, yea most people in Fresno are very committed to Fresno... cuz they've never been anywhere else! Oooooooooooooh.

2. World-class agriculture. I'll give it to 'em here. Fresno has lots of agriculture and fresh vegetables and stuff because of it.... and they've got the cow-poo smell to prove it.

3.Entertainment and Leisure... Oh please:

The 16,000-seat Save Mart Center on campus is one of the world’s best-attended concert venues

I mean, I'm sure it's in the top 3 or 4 hundred venues....

4. Bulldog pride! They're right, no one else has Bulldog pride! Except Louisiana Tech, oh and Georgia.... yea and Yale too. Yep, and um, Gonzaga. What the F-No is that thing from Georgetown? I think a Hoya is just a disguised Bulldog... so, we're ALMOST unique!

5. Emphasis on academics. Really? You're really saying we're the only college in the country, in the WORLD with an emphasis on academics!?!? Okay, sure.

6. Centrally located in California. Well sure, as long as you don't count Fresno City College, and Fresno Pacific, and UC-Merced, and a bunch of other colleges in the valley.

7. Excellence in Academic research. Definitely unique here.

8. Environmental Sustainability. Really!? We've got some of the worst air in the nation and you're putting this ish up here!?!? Only in Fresno.

9. Distinguished Alumni. Lane Kiffin is among these. He's distinguished... albeit for accusing coaches of lying and telling players they will end up pumping gas if they don't go to Tennessee... so yea, unique!

10. Richness in culture, creativity and diversity. Yea, real diverse. I've never seen seen so many drug dealers from all walks in my life!


I'll leave you with another creative Fresno criminal. This dude asked a chick for a dollar. She was nice enough to give him one... and then he punched her in the ribs and took the damn purse! How clever! Check out his description:

Police said the man ran east on Ninth Street. He is described as about 18 to 20 years old, about 5 feet-11 inches tall, medium build, with a bad complexion and bleached buzz-cut hair. He was wearing a baggy white T-shirt and dark-colored shorts.

Sisqo makin' a comeback!?... Only in Fresno (not saying it was necessarily a black guy... just saying that NOBODY bleaches their hair anymore).... yea.... Only in Fresno

"This is Fresno people, everyone here is recycled!"

"Yea, the world-famous Fresno Sanitary Landfill!"


No, you idiot, not THAT kind of recycled. I asked a few friends for help with "The List" and the lovely Ms. Summitt came up with a good one. She said she heard a radio call-in show ask the question, "How does a person's past affect relationships? Should people ditch someone because of their past?"

And the best response was, "Come on now people. You know if your man use to sleep with tons of people in his past that he's probably got something now. This is Fresno people, everyone here is recycled!"

Not quite as terrifying as the last time I heard "This is Fresno" (see The List #18), but probably even more disgusting.

What are our boys at VSP up to? Oh, must be a slow news day, and by slow I mean tectonic-plate-action-flattening-the-rocky-mountains. It's a profile on our boy O'Neal! David Carr is in town, there's spring football, baseball is going strong, and there was an article last week half-dedicated to him, but whatevs. Actually, this is great, because it provides more hilarity. Check out the quote from Paul George:

“We learned so much from Dwight,” said freshman forward Paul George. “He talks about his past and things that he’s done. He tells us the do’s and the don’ts... it’s kind of good to have kind of an extra coach."

I can just see him calling up the Frosh's the day after his arrest in February; "Hey guys, I got a new "don't" for ya; Driving with a suspended license."..."Thanks man, you're like an extra coach!"

I still can't figure out how to get the actual front-page news from The Bee from their web site. It just runs a continuous stream of local stories straight out of Jackass 3: Uncut Fresno Edition. Just check out this headline: "Boys unharmed in dumpster fire set while playing with a lighter."

No Comment.

Looking for Fresno's craziness is so easy, it's kind of enjoyable. Funny, but just running this blog has made me like the place a little more. It's freaking unique!

Cruel Irony has a name.... You can probably guess

While I doubt my boy Heroinhead tipped anybody off, the Gods of Fresno found a way to repay me. I once complained that someone had stolen the front tire from my bike.

"Why steal the front wheel? What's that gonna accomplish?"

Well, the other day they answered by stealing my boy Abazu's entire bike-- except the front wheel.

We now have one bike between us. "Aaaaaaaaww, how cute"... WRONG! Mine was a road bike, his a mountain. Might as well try pluggin your legos into your K-Nex.

I found out today that the guy who invented this creepy-ass technology is from F-No. Say it ain't so! They can hunt anyone down who tries to escape!

Lastly, don't you just feel bad for this guy. If only he had a few little more minutes to flush the rest of the meth. Oh, and the scales, the bullet-proof vest, and the "packaging", he'd have gotten off scott-free! Just don't call the sewage tank guy.

Definitely not a whodunit

I almost forgot this gem of a trial which began today. Unfortunately, the story is so nutty that it doesn't need any spin from smart-ass bloggers like me to make it sound absurd. My favorite line comes from the prosecutor:

"The case is not a whodunit"

Where'd they get this guy, the Andy Griffith show!? Hate to break it to ya guys but, (psssst, Matlock wasn't real).

Okay, I'll resist the very strong urge to go on.

Believe me, I don't mean to take the death of the guy lightly or make fun of innocent victims or anything like that... but the utter stupidity of everyone involved is mind boggling.

Sorry Fresnofamous.com, THIS is Fresno famous.

Fresno Falcons Suck Night

Looking at this morning's Fresno Bee, we've got a sex crime against a 12-year-old, a man arrested on drug charges, a burglary/carjacking, a rollover accident death, and, hey the Visalia police caught a guy attempting a carjacking! Sweet! But the devil's in the details:


According to the police report released this evening, the attempted carjacking happened about 10:45 a.m. [the robber], 42, of Dinuba pushed [A woman], 25, of Visalia out of the way as she was getting out of her car while she was holding her baby.

He couldn't get the car started, so he ran. Officers found him about a block away in the 300 block of North Jacob Street.

That whole getting keys thing didn't interest him, he's a valley criminal.

Women's BB:

I think women's basketball can be exciting. It's basically the only game in town here right now, so congrats to the team for making it into the tournament. Unfortunately, things don't look too good from here on out:

However, Charlie Creme's bracketology on ESPN.com Saturday projected the Bulldogs as a No. 15 seed playing No. 2 Stanford in San Diego in the Berkeley Regional.

"Shame on him," Wiggins said.

You go, coach!! Tell 'im off! How dare he pick our team as a 15 seed instead of... instead of some other team!

Good luck to the lady 'Dogs. Wait, that sounds bad.

Hockey:

(Guess where this happy kid is from? (Hint; It's not Fresno))

"Hockey!? Didn't that already fold embarrassingly mid-season?"

Yes, it did. But that didn't satisfy F-No. Turns out that, besides never reimbursing season-ticket holders (a.k.a. "suckers"), they owe money to children.

Here's the best part of the article:

The Falcons' employee who organized 4-H Night was laid off, and the ECHL franchise folded Dec. 22, midseason.

They seem to imply that, had he not screwed this up, he'd still have a job.

Right. And people in the Bay area are really excited to live only 3 hours from Fresno.

The Boise Idaho Steelheads held an official "Fresno Falcons Suck Night," offered cheap beer, and sold 800 extra tickets compared to a typical night.

I concur. Tonight I encourage all F-nomore readers to drink cheap beer, reflect on how much the Falcons suck, and um, figure out what the Hell a Steelhead is.