No seriously...

I really hate this fucking place.

A haze sits over me as i write this, wading through a never-ending daydream caused by an inability to sleep off any more of the hours I'm trapped in this hell hole. Options: drink a bunch of liquor and pass out for a few hours (J/K totally kid'n man!......ya), or try to do something productive.

Blogging!

I managed to walk to a bar last night like the old days, except I had to cross a busy highway and was more or less scared the whole way there and back.

Oh, and I was alone.

The bar, okay, it was the Red Wave, was actually pretty good. They had tacos for 50 cents and Miller High Life for a dollar. The place was packed with Mexicans and whenever a new norteno song would come on they'd all start yelling, "Ayayayayayayay!!" and stuff like that. Oh and they drank these beers with GALLONS, OCEANS, TRUCKLOADS (low riders? ha ha) of salt in them. I drank about a quarter of one and, as Snoop Doggy Dogg says, "I had back up off it and sit my cup down."

"Don't worry SPM, there really is a Mexican Heaven."


Anyway my one friend who doesn't live with her parents gossipped with me all night about the people we know who do live with their parents. Okay, okay, I really like the Red Wave. But it's the only decent bar I've found in this city. And now I have two whole days to kill and tonight's football game will end at 7 pm and I will want to murder the inventor this stupid f*cking time zone again.

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Headlines!

The best one from today is the pictures released of a Visalia Bank Robber:

1) This is so damn obvious. "Hello! I'm wearing a safari hat and sunglasses indoors, y'ever think I might rob somebody!?" And
2) The dude just looks goofy, like how I'd expect a fat guy in a church play to dress if he was in a bank robbing scene.

We've got 400% unemployment, meanwhile Mr. Not Qualified got confirmed to the state appeals court.

One of the Valley's famous unnamed conservatives commented that he hopes this will bring common sense to the judges. Ah yes, common sense, that thing we fall back on when our argument can't be made with logic or evidence. He should bring plenty of that.

2 teachers were arrested on child porn charges. No, I'm not going to blame this on Fresno. The best thing to do on a story like this is read the comments:

cal_stunn wrote on September, 24 8:50 PM:

it's funny how some people are quick to defend these kind of people that are teachers, police, etc that get charged with these offenses. Wonder why ???? they should'nt even get hired on the first place, they should run some kind of test on them before they even think of hiring them.

So, the reason people defend them is that they shouldn't get hired "on" the first place. In the wide world of non-sequiturs, this is still an amazing stretch. Should go in the non sequitur hall of fame. (Because if football can have a hall of fame, non sequiturs deserve one too!... that one'll hit ya tomorrow)

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeven better, they should run a test on teachers, police, etc. before they even think of hiring them. Since we cannot determine exactly when someone first thinks of hiring someone, this test must be administered to everyone in the world starting right now, presumably as soon as they are born in case granny is tempted to say, "He's so loving, I think he'll grow up to be a teacher".

I once thought that an (untested) friend of mine should be hired as a teacher, for which my sincerest apologies go to cal_stunn. I have let you down friend.

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This blog has not been updated much recently. So what. The point was always to get something up on Google to warn people who are thinking of moving to Fresno or the Valley that it's a bad idea.

So, do not move to Fresno. Fresno, California sucks! I would not advise living in THE CENTRAL SAN JOAQUIN VALLEY OF CALIFORNIA, CA, UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, USA. CULTURE, PLACES TO LIVE, HOUSING, COST OF LIVING in CENTRAL CALIFORNIA, EDUCATION, SCHOOL SYSTEM.

Don't move here, ever!

(P.S. If I sound slightly insane, it's because I've lived here for over a year now and am starting to come unglued)

"This is Fresno people, everyone here is recycled!"

"Yea, the world-famous Fresno Sanitary Landfill!"


No, you idiot, not THAT kind of recycled. I asked a few friends for help with "The List" and the lovely Ms. Summitt came up with a good one. She said she heard a radio call-in show ask the question, "How does a person's past affect relationships? Should people ditch someone because of their past?"

And the best response was, "Come on now people. You know if your man use to sleep with tons of people in his past that he's probably got something now. This is Fresno people, everyone here is recycled!"

Not quite as terrifying as the last time I heard "This is Fresno" (see The List #18), but probably even more disgusting.

What are our boys at VSP up to? Oh, must be a slow news day, and by slow I mean tectonic-plate-action-flattening-the-rocky-mountains. It's a profile on our boy O'Neal! David Carr is in town, there's spring football, baseball is going strong, and there was an article last week half-dedicated to him, but whatevs. Actually, this is great, because it provides more hilarity. Check out the quote from Paul George:

“We learned so much from Dwight,” said freshman forward Paul George. “He talks about his past and things that he’s done. He tells us the do’s and the don’ts... it’s kind of good to have kind of an extra coach."

I can just see him calling up the Frosh's the day after his arrest in February; "Hey guys, I got a new "don't" for ya; Driving with a suspended license."..."Thanks man, you're like an extra coach!"

I still can't figure out how to get the actual front-page news from The Bee from their web site. It just runs a continuous stream of local stories straight out of Jackass 3: Uncut Fresno Edition. Just check out this headline: "Boys unharmed in dumpster fire set while playing with a lighter."

No Comment.

Looking for Fresno's craziness is so easy, it's kind of enjoyable. Funny, but just running this blog has made me like the place a little more. It's freaking unique!

Definitely not a whodunit

I almost forgot this gem of a trial which began today. Unfortunately, the story is so nutty that it doesn't need any spin from smart-ass bloggers like me to make it sound absurd. My favorite line comes from the prosecutor:

"The case is not a whodunit"

Where'd they get this guy, the Andy Griffith show!? Hate to break it to ya guys but, (psssst, Matlock wasn't real).

Okay, I'll resist the very strong urge to go on.

Believe me, I don't mean to take the death of the guy lightly or make fun of innocent victims or anything like that... but the utter stupidity of everyone involved is mind boggling.

Sorry Fresnofamous.com, THIS is Fresno famous.

Fresno Friday, with Ben Stein

My bracket isn't looking so hot right now. I picked Northern Iowa over Purdue for my 12-5 upset instead of WKU-whoever they played. I found out further that they don't pay for gas money either with the "free" movie tickets, so I figure that losing will actually save me money!

Elsewhere, I slugged out to the Ben Stein talk last night. It was crazy to see a world famous man up on the stage, especially one so underwhelming as Stein. He had a bit of a hunch back and was really short.



The stuff he said was quite interesting, and he sounded very left save for a few rather obvious exceptions. He openly blamed Republicans for the economic collapse and said Democrats were doing exactly what they needed to be doing. Where he got off was right at the end when he blurted out that he just freaking loved the military! Out of nowhere. And the crowd went freaking wild! Democrats need to learn this stuff.

A Q&A session followed which involved some nutty characters. Even I won't blame Fresno for this as unfortunately the people that speak up at public events are almost universally the people least qualified to do so. Some woman came up and said she predicted the exact extent of the economic collapse and wondered why the experts couldn't do it. He said, in so many words, that she was an idiot. Another kid claimed he had made thousands off of short selling stocks. He called this kid, again, an idiot in the most polite way I have ever seen.

Gay marriage came up. Stein said, very loudly, "WELL SOME PEOPLE THINK THE VOTERS SHOULD DECIDE AND THAT'S WHAT CALIFORNIA DID." and then, almost a whisper, "but one of my best friends is gay and he thinks the courts should decide, so I go with him."

The legalization of marijuana came up. Stein loudly said that he loved smoking weed in the 60s, and then backed off with the ridiculous argument that today's marijuana is too strong to be legal.

He even said at one point that the people of cities like Fresno were wonderfully helpful to others, but that Ivy-Leaguers (He even named schools! Despite being an Ivy-Leaguer himself) were greedy for money and thus couldn't be trusted.

And then, as the Q&A session ended, he AGAIN went on a rant about how much he looooooooved the military, and the crowd went wild again!!

In other words, he told half-truths and even some outright lies to pander to an audience that he knew was politically conservative and generally not that smart. No problem, he's a celebrity trying to win over a crowd. What scares me is, do actual Republicans do this?

Okay, not to get too far off-subject, a Fresno nursing home was fined $80,000 because a resident died of choking.

Don't forget to cheer on the Women's basketball team tomorrow night on ESPN2. Or, even better, go down to LA to see 'em. You can leave Fresno!!!! Go 'Dogs!