The Goods

Saturday my buddy and me went movie hopping. "Isn't that something you do in high school?" Well, yea. Unless you live in Fresno and have nothing else going on.

It was fun though, reliving high school a little bit. It was great being afraid of getting caught when we darted in between theaters (they had a good bit of security too). I liked having authority to be afraid of instead of just being afraid of my own stupid actions.

We saw District 9. Eh. Inglourious Basterds. Great movie! Nothing to do with Fresno though.

But The Goods. Surprise surprise, it's got a Fresno joke! I wrote earlier about the astonishing number of movies which make fun of a city most people on the east coast have never heard of.

In fact, I took note of the lowest-common-denominator nature of most of the jokes in The Goods. Almost all of them were either racist, sexist, made fun of retarded people, or were simply about sex. If they weren't that then the humor depended on simple volume or the juxtaposition of a businessman wanting to be in a boy band (a.k.a. effeminate). Anyone from any era anywhere would get these jokes as we all know what Asians are and what sex is.

This makes the Fresno joke an anomaly, it's one of the most sophisticated and thought out jokes in the whole film! Why do they run this joke knowing it will be completely lost on more than half the people who see it (as the east coast has way more citizens than the west)?

I can just see that part of the film playing in a theater in my hometown. The whole audience would be silent.

It's an inside joke. And yet they still couldn't resist.

I wondered too about the other people watching the movie. Does it bother them that their hometown gets constantly lampooned by outsiders? Do they ever wonder if it really is better in the outside world? Do they think that maybe this many people just can't be wrong and that they need to do something about it?......

Nope, they don't.

Let's get personal

So, aside from stories I find in the paper, I'd like to recount a few personal encounters.

These also may have less to do with Fresno than with California or the whole West Coast, but it's still strange to me:

The other day they make a big announcement at work, "We're buying pizza for everybody!" Then they ask what everybody wants. Somebody says, "I don't care." The next person says, "Pepperoni, I guess." The third guy says, "Vegetarian." I try to hide a laugh. The person after that also says, "Vegetarian". 'Seriously!?' I think, 'What the Hell is wrong with these people? What's gonna become of the world if you eat a pizza with meat on it?'

It comes to me, I try to make a joke, "Meat". In response, "Oh, you mean like the kind with tons of meat on it, like 5 different kinds?" 'Jesus Christ!' I think, 'They must think I'm some kind of barbarian now.' "No, I was just joking. I just meant I'd like a pizza that isn't vegetarian." (Or something like that, it was awkward)

Later in the day somebody says their chair is uncomfortable, and our boss tells us he is going to have people show up in two weeks to show us the proper way to sit in our chairs and use a computer so we don't suffer from "repetitive stress". That's right, repetitive stress -- while sitting down.

I said, "Ha ha, yea man that's a good one." Wrong!

"No seriously, I had to quit a job once because I suffered from repetitive stress."

The next day we've got to take a golf cart somewhere. Who will drive? "Well" says another higher-up, "Who has had the defensive driving class?"

"For a golf cart?"

"Oh yea! You can't drive it without taking the class."

"Look, I've played plenty of golf in my time, and-"

"Well that's why you need the class!"

I thought about explaining that golf courses let you drive a cart without taking a class (you did DRIVE A CAR THERE after all), but decided the effort would be futile.

I know that asshole!

"Hey, what do I look like?"

So I'm scowering through the Bee this morning, looking for stuff that might confirm Fresno sucks in a humorous or interesting way, and I come across something familiar.

This guy Chuck Poochigian is trying to get nominated as an appellate court judge, and it turns out he is rated as "not qualified" by some committee. Looks like he hasn't practiced law in over 20 years. Of course, as the article says, the govanaata will probably appoint him anyway.

"Okay" you say, "A Republican gets a position even though he isn't qualified. What else is new?"

Well, I've met this guy! Believe it or not, I interviewed him once last year. He was a complete asshole, completely full of his old white male self. I asked him what his fondest memory of Fresno State was and he responded that it was organizing a charity event.

He then went through his history working with other Republican FSU graduates and talked about how knowing these guys got him good jobs. He said something like, "I've never made friends for the purpose of advancing my career, but [that's exactly what I've done]."

Then he asked me if I knew anything about "Sin City" behind the frat houses. I told him no, but did he know anything about it? "No." Really dude? You bring this up to me and don't know anything about it?

And as soon as the formal interview was over he stormed out of the place, his chance for self promotion over. Oh yea and he hassled me to get a transcript of the interview for the next week until I got him one so he could sue us if we said anything slanderous (like we gave a f--- about him).

So, I'm glad he's rated as "not qualified", because he's white Fresno through and through.

Health Care Reform

This issue is certainly not unique to Fresno, but at the same time it isn't something I'm disinclined to ramble about.

These "town hall meetings" are fascinating -- completely transparent -- but fascinating nonetheless. I haven't followed politics as closely in the last few months, and I have kept wondering, "Why are people so fired up about health care?"

They're storming buildings and shouting and making all kinds of noise, because they don't want health care reform?? The whispers around the country are that the meetings are no more than a thinly-veiled outlet for overt racism directed at Obama. I'd love to say I think more of people in general, but I don't.

A pic from last night's Clovis rally:

"Hey look, an old white man pointing to show his penis, I mean, authority, to a room full of a bunch of other old white people."

The writer of the Bee article is clearly disgusted by the spectacle and it shows in the writing. Technically this is a bad thing, but I don't mind.

This gem shows perfectly how Republicans are so annoying:

While one person used the nation's infant mortality rate -- which is higher than that of some countries with socialized medicine -- to show Obama's proposed reform is needed, another worried about how the reform proposal could lead to government intrusion into personal lives.

So, while one person used evidence to back up their point, the other used the slippery slope to not only undermine the cause (without cause), but to move the discussion away from health care reform completely.

They do it every time! The slippery slope and then the other thing, where they come up with some sort of nightmare scenario which has nothing to do with the issue at hand. In this case it's the thing about how they want you to discuss your end of life plans with the government.

The cable guy just came and I lost my train of thought. Anyway, Democrats should take to not playing by the rules. I'm tired of seeing them get screwed because they don't cheat.

More Evidence

Now that I'm back (I'll spare you the whiny shit I wrote upon my return) I've discovered some more backup for my claim that Fresno sucks beyond belief.

And it ain't even some blog or a Bee article. It's books, the official medium of the smart and pretentious:

The Slow Death of Fresno State: A California Campus under Reagan and Brown (Sorry, no cover available. Funny story though, a Google image search of the title brought up several pictures of FSU football players, gas prices, and a toilet. All equally to blame for the death and current status of Fresno State.)

As great as the title is, the subtitle is the real gem. As a hardcore Reagan hater I can't wait to read about even more stuff that he fucked up.

In My Father's Name


This one further details the corruption of the political system and supposedly explains why the entire city now lies north of downtown and why there are endless, ubiquitous, suicide-note-inducing miles of strip malls in the area.

I hope to read these before the year is up. I may post a few excerpts for the blog and, more importantly, come to realize that I'm not the only one to blame for ending up in my shitty situation (yea right).

March to the Guillotine

The sounds of Berlioz, written so many eons ago... could only have been meant to describe my dread at returning to the 'No, kicking and screaming.

My return flight arrives in the city one hour after my first meeting starts. My flight will simply be 'delayed' and I'll move in while dealing with my first work week. There is not an ounce of regret in my frame here, as the alternative would have me there already.

This has been a pleasant summer, one where the everyday has become magnificent, (I have friends to talk to at night!) and you-know-where became like a nightmare....

Alas, the summer was the temporary escape, not the permanent solution.

9 months, 9 months and I'll be free of it forever. Let's turn over a new leaf, lol :)

It NEVER STOPS

Just do it, just fucking read this article. Where in the whole world can you find more desperate losers than this?


Just one little excerpt:


Payday lenders flourish in low-income areas such as the central San Joaquin Valley. Fresno County, for example, has more of them per capita than any other large county in the state.


I got an idea! The people who walk into these places should just be executed instead of getting a loan at the rate of 460% annually. 3/4ths of Fresno will be gone in weeks!!!

From Abazu...

You gotta feel for my boy, he just sent this via facebook. JESUS I'm glad I got out for the summer:



You know you've spent your summer in Fresno when:

Your university tuition rates increase by 30% within a few weeks

The university raises your tuition then eliminates your student job! (how the hell im supposed to pay for this ish)

The president of the university says the budget gap is around 19 million dollars, and you realize thats near the same amount they've paid in ridiculous sexual harassment lawsuits in the past few years. But noone questions this, and this dumbass president is still in office.

Forget daytime comedies all you need to do is read the Crime Alerts, Fresno Bee, and watch the local news for comic relief

Days of triple degree weather become a norm for you, you get excited for a 90 degree day, and locals comment by saying "well at least its dry heat!" but you know thats some bullshit valley term

You contemplate deep depression, but realize that the "dry heat" wont allow you to display too many emotions

On these 112 degree days..your roommate turns the AC to 80 freakin degrees..you want to yell and scream, but realize he just wont (and never will) get it...

The UV index is listed as 11 on a scale from 1-10 in the newspaper daily..and you wonder how can that be

You are soo happy when you can visit others cities in California, but once there you find yourself telling others how much Fresno sucks the whole time..and so that kind of ruins the vacation

When you see Dog Days (student orientation) students rooming around campus you're tempted to run up to them and say "run, leave, go far far away, and never come back! but you chicken out each time

You think its funny they posts soo many "crime alerts" while Dog Days is in session and question your roomates gf (a dog days adviser)..but she says that the students/parents never comment about them..and then you realize that the comment "..Well, this is Fresno" you heard a long time ago rings true

There are literally multiple crime alerts each week, including a guy who grabbed a girl's but, then ran (not a crime) and a guy who chased a girl on campus while masturbating (true story) and of course random killings around campus (but they dont phase you anymore)

You grin when you see posters that read "Fresno State, Pride of Valley" and "All American City" cause of know they are inaccurate in so many different ways

You set up dates to go to "club" library because it becomes your place of fun

You dread weekends, because you have even LESS things to do

You think you are mentally and physically imprisoned..and like an inmate only thoughts of friends, family, and your former life keep you sane

People ask why you are here for the summer. You respond by saying you have a job and rent to pay..and they respond "sooo..why are you here this summer?"

You can count the number of times you've been out of the house and had some fun

and There's so much more! anyways see you in a few weeks bro!