Tell me more tell me more, (cuz it sounds like a drag)

I was supposed to go to the Fresno fair today, but got ditched. The people of Fresno do it every time.

Fresno is now officially the dumbest city in America.

The description is priceless:

The race to the bottom wasn’t even close. The largest city in California’s San Joaquin breadbasket, Fresno, had deficiencies across the board. College education (less than 20 percent of the local population have four-year degrees), graduate studies, academic institutions (not much besides Fresno State), book purchases, voter engagement—it ranked in the worst 5 percent in almost all of our categories. Problems with gangs and crystal meth tend to deter the best and brightest.

In other words, we are the dumbest by a wide margin. You can read the pollsters' shock between the lines.


And the headline of the day:

Coroner: Workplace shooter was drunk

The cold, the wind and the rain

Yesterday was an atrocious day for football, with Cal embarrassing themselves in a way unmatched by anything I've ever seen until I saw the score of the Houston-UTEP game.

Looks like we'll all be hearing about USC and Ohio State coming down the stretch again this year.

Inebriated, and yet still bored, we walked around the apartment complex to see if anyone was outside.

No. They weren't.

The sprinklers had been running all day for some reason and the sidewalk had about a half-inch of standing water that soaked my loafers.

Finally, turning towards the last opportunistic corridor of apartments, a huge gust of wind blew cold in the direction of our apartment, followed immediately by the sprinklers coming on yet again and spraying everything in sight.

We went home. Another Saturday down.

Awaxawhat!?

Welcome back to Fresnomore, brought to you by this giant cactus:

This picture was taken in the Mexican state of Oaxaca, which is being celebrated locally by a festival.

The shirt needs to now read, "Not Hispanic! Not Latino! Not Mexican! Oaxacaxacianan!!"

Yet another culture found in this crazy-ass clusterfuck. I'd go check out the festival, buuuuuuuut I don't have anyone to go with.

Elsewhere, a murder charge from 1974 was dropped today by local prosecutors. But wait! There's more:

Fresno County prosecutors this morning dropped murder charges against a 53-year-old man in a case that dates to New Year’s Day 1974 -- but the District Attorney’s Office says the case is far from over.

Dude, how much farther from over can this thing be? It's been 35 years! You tryin' to catch crooks on geologic time!?

I'm going to start counting how many strollers, homeless people on bikes, and good ol' bag people I see on my way to work, starting tomorrow. Aw shucks, let's make it a 3-for-1 and throw in the white trash.

It'll be a Fresno adaptation of the old Tiny Tunes bit!

No seriously...

I really hate this fucking place.

A haze sits over me as i write this, wading through a never-ending daydream caused by an inability to sleep off any more of the hours I'm trapped in this hell hole. Options: drink a bunch of liquor and pass out for a few hours (J/K totally kid'n man!......ya), or try to do something productive.

Blogging!

I managed to walk to a bar last night like the old days, except I had to cross a busy highway and was more or less scared the whole way there and back.

Oh, and I was alone.

The bar, okay, it was the Red Wave, was actually pretty good. They had tacos for 50 cents and Miller High Life for a dollar. The place was packed with Mexicans and whenever a new norteno song would come on they'd all start yelling, "Ayayayayayayay!!" and stuff like that. Oh and they drank these beers with GALLONS, OCEANS, TRUCKLOADS (low riders? ha ha) of salt in them. I drank about a quarter of one and, as Snoop Doggy Dogg says, "I had back up off it and sit my cup down."

"Don't worry SPM, there really is a Mexican Heaven."


Anyway my one friend who doesn't live with her parents gossipped with me all night about the people we know who do live with their parents. Okay, okay, I really like the Red Wave. But it's the only decent bar I've found in this city. And now I have two whole days to kill and tonight's football game will end at 7 pm and I will want to murder the inventor this stupid f*cking time zone again.

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Headlines!

The best one from today is the pictures released of a Visalia Bank Robber:

1) This is so damn obvious. "Hello! I'm wearing a safari hat and sunglasses indoors, y'ever think I might rob somebody!?" And
2) The dude just looks goofy, like how I'd expect a fat guy in a church play to dress if he was in a bank robbing scene.

We've got 400% unemployment, meanwhile Mr. Not Qualified got confirmed to the state appeals court.

One of the Valley's famous unnamed conservatives commented that he hopes this will bring common sense to the judges. Ah yes, common sense, that thing we fall back on when our argument can't be made with logic or evidence. He should bring plenty of that.

2 teachers were arrested on child porn charges. No, I'm not going to blame this on Fresno. The best thing to do on a story like this is read the comments:

cal_stunn wrote on September, 24 8:50 PM:

it's funny how some people are quick to defend these kind of people that are teachers, police, etc that get charged with these offenses. Wonder why ???? they should'nt even get hired on the first place, they should run some kind of test on them before they even think of hiring them.

So, the reason people defend them is that they shouldn't get hired "on" the first place. In the wide world of non-sequiturs, this is still an amazing stretch. Should go in the non sequitur hall of fame. (Because if football can have a hall of fame, non sequiturs deserve one too!... that one'll hit ya tomorrow)

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeven better, they should run a test on teachers, police, etc. before they even think of hiring them. Since we cannot determine exactly when someone first thinks of hiring someone, this test must be administered to everyone in the world starting right now, presumably as soon as they are born in case granny is tempted to say, "He's so loving, I think he'll grow up to be a teacher".

I once thought that an (untested) friend of mine should be hired as a teacher, for which my sincerest apologies go to cal_stunn. I have let you down friend.

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This blog has not been updated much recently. So what. The point was always to get something up on Google to warn people who are thinking of moving to Fresno or the Valley that it's a bad idea.

So, do not move to Fresno. Fresno, California sucks! I would not advise living in THE CENTRAL SAN JOAQUIN VALLEY OF CALIFORNIA, CA, UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, USA. CULTURE, PLACES TO LIVE, HOUSING, COST OF LIVING in CENTRAL CALIFORNIA, EDUCATION, SCHOOL SYSTEM.

Don't move here, ever!

(P.S. If I sound slightly insane, it's because I've lived here for over a year now and am starting to come unglued)

Valley Logic

Madera County bans pot dispensaries

Madera County voted, unanimously, to get rid of all the medical marijuana dispensaries in the county limits. Conservatives do things like this, why?

Supervisors said dispensaries can increase crime, including drug-dealing, robbery and loitering, which impairs the health, safety and welfare of the community.

So they increase crime, including drug dealing.

Let's get this straight. They are going to close a place that sells legal marijuana, and this will DECREASE the amount of illegal drug dealing taking place?

Robbery.

How?

And loitering.

This is a crime now?

which impairs the health, safety and welfare of the community.

Right, because we would never want to be like the places that have dispensaries A.K.A. LA, San Francisco, and every place in this state that anyone would ever actually want to visit.

Latest Headline

First day of fall to top 100 degrees

The Goods

Saturday my buddy and me went movie hopping. "Isn't that something you do in high school?" Well, yea. Unless you live in Fresno and have nothing else going on.

It was fun though, reliving high school a little bit. It was great being afraid of getting caught when we darted in between theaters (they had a good bit of security too). I liked having authority to be afraid of instead of just being afraid of my own stupid actions.

We saw District 9. Eh. Inglourious Basterds. Great movie! Nothing to do with Fresno though.

But The Goods. Surprise surprise, it's got a Fresno joke! I wrote earlier about the astonishing number of movies which make fun of a city most people on the east coast have never heard of.

In fact, I took note of the lowest-common-denominator nature of most of the jokes in The Goods. Almost all of them were either racist, sexist, made fun of retarded people, or were simply about sex. If they weren't that then the humor depended on simple volume or the juxtaposition of a businessman wanting to be in a boy band (a.k.a. effeminate). Anyone from any era anywhere would get these jokes as we all know what Asians are and what sex is.

This makes the Fresno joke an anomaly, it's one of the most sophisticated and thought out jokes in the whole film! Why do they run this joke knowing it will be completely lost on more than half the people who see it (as the east coast has way more citizens than the west)?

I can just see that part of the film playing in a theater in my hometown. The whole audience would be silent.

It's an inside joke. And yet they still couldn't resist.

I wondered too about the other people watching the movie. Does it bother them that their hometown gets constantly lampooned by outsiders? Do they ever wonder if it really is better in the outside world? Do they think that maybe this many people just can't be wrong and that they need to do something about it?......

Nope, they don't.

Let's get personal

So, aside from stories I find in the paper, I'd like to recount a few personal encounters.

These also may have less to do with Fresno than with California or the whole West Coast, but it's still strange to me:

The other day they make a big announcement at work, "We're buying pizza for everybody!" Then they ask what everybody wants. Somebody says, "I don't care." The next person says, "Pepperoni, I guess." The third guy says, "Vegetarian." I try to hide a laugh. The person after that also says, "Vegetarian". 'Seriously!?' I think, 'What the Hell is wrong with these people? What's gonna become of the world if you eat a pizza with meat on it?'

It comes to me, I try to make a joke, "Meat". In response, "Oh, you mean like the kind with tons of meat on it, like 5 different kinds?" 'Jesus Christ!' I think, 'They must think I'm some kind of barbarian now.' "No, I was just joking. I just meant I'd like a pizza that isn't vegetarian." (Or something like that, it was awkward)

Later in the day somebody says their chair is uncomfortable, and our boss tells us he is going to have people show up in two weeks to show us the proper way to sit in our chairs and use a computer so we don't suffer from "repetitive stress". That's right, repetitive stress -- while sitting down.

I said, "Ha ha, yea man that's a good one." Wrong!

"No seriously, I had to quit a job once because I suffered from repetitive stress."

The next day we've got to take a golf cart somewhere. Who will drive? "Well" says another higher-up, "Who has had the defensive driving class?"

"For a golf cart?"

"Oh yea! You can't drive it without taking the class."

"Look, I've played plenty of golf in my time, and-"

"Well that's why you need the class!"

I thought about explaining that golf courses let you drive a cart without taking a class (you did DRIVE A CAR THERE after all), but decided the effort would be futile.

I know that asshole!

"Hey, what do I look like?"

So I'm scowering through the Bee this morning, looking for stuff that might confirm Fresno sucks in a humorous or interesting way, and I come across something familiar.

This guy Chuck Poochigian is trying to get nominated as an appellate court judge, and it turns out he is rated as "not qualified" by some committee. Looks like he hasn't practiced law in over 20 years. Of course, as the article says, the govanaata will probably appoint him anyway.

"Okay" you say, "A Republican gets a position even though he isn't qualified. What else is new?"

Well, I've met this guy! Believe it or not, I interviewed him once last year. He was a complete asshole, completely full of his old white male self. I asked him what his fondest memory of Fresno State was and he responded that it was organizing a charity event.

He then went through his history working with other Republican FSU graduates and talked about how knowing these guys got him good jobs. He said something like, "I've never made friends for the purpose of advancing my career, but [that's exactly what I've done]."

Then he asked me if I knew anything about "Sin City" behind the frat houses. I told him no, but did he know anything about it? "No." Really dude? You bring this up to me and don't know anything about it?

And as soon as the formal interview was over he stormed out of the place, his chance for self promotion over. Oh yea and he hassled me to get a transcript of the interview for the next week until I got him one so he could sue us if we said anything slanderous (like we gave a f--- about him).

So, I'm glad he's rated as "not qualified", because he's white Fresno through and through.

Health Care Reform

This issue is certainly not unique to Fresno, but at the same time it isn't something I'm disinclined to ramble about.

These "town hall meetings" are fascinating -- completely transparent -- but fascinating nonetheless. I haven't followed politics as closely in the last few months, and I have kept wondering, "Why are people so fired up about health care?"

They're storming buildings and shouting and making all kinds of noise, because they don't want health care reform?? The whispers around the country are that the meetings are no more than a thinly-veiled outlet for overt racism directed at Obama. I'd love to say I think more of people in general, but I don't.

A pic from last night's Clovis rally:

"Hey look, an old white man pointing to show his penis, I mean, authority, to a room full of a bunch of other old white people."

The writer of the Bee article is clearly disgusted by the spectacle and it shows in the writing. Technically this is a bad thing, but I don't mind.

This gem shows perfectly how Republicans are so annoying:

While one person used the nation's infant mortality rate -- which is higher than that of some countries with socialized medicine -- to show Obama's proposed reform is needed, another worried about how the reform proposal could lead to government intrusion into personal lives.

So, while one person used evidence to back up their point, the other used the slippery slope to not only undermine the cause (without cause), but to move the discussion away from health care reform completely.

They do it every time! The slippery slope and then the other thing, where they come up with some sort of nightmare scenario which has nothing to do with the issue at hand. In this case it's the thing about how they want you to discuss your end of life plans with the government.

The cable guy just came and I lost my train of thought. Anyway, Democrats should take to not playing by the rules. I'm tired of seeing them get screwed because they don't cheat.

More Evidence

Now that I'm back (I'll spare you the whiny shit I wrote upon my return) I've discovered some more backup for my claim that Fresno sucks beyond belief.

And it ain't even some blog or a Bee article. It's books, the official medium of the smart and pretentious:

The Slow Death of Fresno State: A California Campus under Reagan and Brown (Sorry, no cover available. Funny story though, a Google image search of the title brought up several pictures of FSU football players, gas prices, and a toilet. All equally to blame for the death and current status of Fresno State.)

As great as the title is, the subtitle is the real gem. As a hardcore Reagan hater I can't wait to read about even more stuff that he fucked up.

In My Father's Name


This one further details the corruption of the political system and supposedly explains why the entire city now lies north of downtown and why there are endless, ubiquitous, suicide-note-inducing miles of strip malls in the area.

I hope to read these before the year is up. I may post a few excerpts for the blog and, more importantly, come to realize that I'm not the only one to blame for ending up in my shitty situation (yea right).

March to the Guillotine

The sounds of Berlioz, written so many eons ago... could only have been meant to describe my dread at returning to the 'No, kicking and screaming.

My return flight arrives in the city one hour after my first meeting starts. My flight will simply be 'delayed' and I'll move in while dealing with my first work week. There is not an ounce of regret in my frame here, as the alternative would have me there already.

This has been a pleasant summer, one where the everyday has become magnificent, (I have friends to talk to at night!) and you-know-where became like a nightmare....

Alas, the summer was the temporary escape, not the permanent solution.

9 months, 9 months and I'll be free of it forever. Let's turn over a new leaf, lol :)

It NEVER STOPS

Just do it, just fucking read this article. Where in the whole world can you find more desperate losers than this?


Just one little excerpt:


Payday lenders flourish in low-income areas such as the central San Joaquin Valley. Fresno County, for example, has more of them per capita than any other large county in the state.


I got an idea! The people who walk into these places should just be executed instead of getting a loan at the rate of 460% annually. 3/4ths of Fresno will be gone in weeks!!!

From Abazu...

You gotta feel for my boy, he just sent this via facebook. JESUS I'm glad I got out for the summer:



You know you've spent your summer in Fresno when:

Your university tuition rates increase by 30% within a few weeks

The university raises your tuition then eliminates your student job! (how the hell im supposed to pay for this ish)

The president of the university says the budget gap is around 19 million dollars, and you realize thats near the same amount they've paid in ridiculous sexual harassment lawsuits in the past few years. But noone questions this, and this dumbass president is still in office.

Forget daytime comedies all you need to do is read the Crime Alerts, Fresno Bee, and watch the local news for comic relief

Days of triple degree weather become a norm for you, you get excited for a 90 degree day, and locals comment by saying "well at least its dry heat!" but you know thats some bullshit valley term

You contemplate deep depression, but realize that the "dry heat" wont allow you to display too many emotions

On these 112 degree days..your roommate turns the AC to 80 freakin degrees..you want to yell and scream, but realize he just wont (and never will) get it...

The UV index is listed as 11 on a scale from 1-10 in the newspaper daily..and you wonder how can that be

You are soo happy when you can visit others cities in California, but once there you find yourself telling others how much Fresno sucks the whole time..and so that kind of ruins the vacation

When you see Dog Days (student orientation) students rooming around campus you're tempted to run up to them and say "run, leave, go far far away, and never come back! but you chicken out each time

You think its funny they posts soo many "crime alerts" while Dog Days is in session and question your roomates gf (a dog days adviser)..but she says that the students/parents never comment about them..and then you realize that the comment "..Well, this is Fresno" you heard a long time ago rings true

There are literally multiple crime alerts each week, including a guy who grabbed a girl's but, then ran (not a crime) and a guy who chased a girl on campus while masturbating (true story) and of course random killings around campus (but they dont phase you anymore)

You grin when you see posters that read "Fresno State, Pride of Valley" and "All American City" cause of know they are inaccurate in so many different ways

You set up dates to go to "club" library because it becomes your place of fun

You dread weekends, because you have even LESS things to do

You think you are mentally and physically imprisoned..and like an inmate only thoughts of friends, family, and your former life keep you sane

People ask why you are here for the summer. You respond by saying you have a job and rent to pay..and they respond "sooo..why are you here this summer?"

You can count the number of times you've been out of the house and had some fun

and There's so much more! anyways see you in a few weeks bro!

Roe v. Wade meets The King of Pop

Say what!?


The names of the various bars in Fresno always conjure up a shudder and a pang of regret when I hear them.


Elephant Bar reminds me of the girl who invited me there and then promptly ditched me.


Cabo Wabo reminds me of the asshole who checked our IDs with a black light like he was in the FBI and wouldn't let my friend in because she had a passport ("This gets me into foreign countries but not into this shitty bar!?")


Pandora reminds me of Thanksgiving -- when I was homesick like crazy and stuck at a Fresno high school reunion.


BJs reminds me of when I first got here. I bought a round of shots for the people I was with and got the tab, 40 dollars.


Bliss reminds me of my friend St. Joe, who got a girl's phone number one night. She called two days later -- and told him all about her kids.


Ghaleb's reminds me of, well, Ghaleb's. The most overpriced hookah in the world, they won't let you change the TV channel even though nobody else is there, you can't order water without paying, and an ugly waitress will approach your party every 30 seconds asking if you want shots.


I've repressed the name of a hole-in-the-wall bar on Blackstone where the patrons made fun of us for not being old ("I bet none of y'all over 24! I could be yo daddy!") and I walked in the bathroom to find a man with no pants on clamoring around and mumbling to himself.


Fibber McGees.... ugh, old people.


A nightmare awaits at every turn.


Anyway, Roe lost their liquor license for 10 days. My nightmare story from Roe happened when we were hanging out outside one night. A huge truck pulled up (what TNJ calls a "small penis truck") and some people got out. We started heckling the driver about the unnecessary size of his truck.


Where I come from the driver would make fun of my tiny car in rebuttal and we'd all laugh. This guy ran directly into his friend (e.g. "hold me back!") and launched several empty threats at us. I think I cried that night.


They lost the license for a "string of incidents" including public intoxications (at a bar?... paging Ron White...) and assault (maybe the guy in the SPT actually came through one night). But I know the real reason:



It's the creepy Boy Scouts of America poster in the men's room!... This is, of course, Fresno's version of a Michael Jackson tribute. Ow!!!

You've just won 10 million dollars!!!... If I can come up with it.

"Um, yea... about that..." (Kudos to the bee for snapping such an appropriate pic)

The first real Fresno-esque news I've seen in a bit, and yet another textbook example of this city creating the type of nightmare most people don't know is possible.

So this dude, an ex-FSU football player, goes out and says he's donating 10 million bucks to the athletics department. Hey that's awesome, we ran a huge debt last year and we're facing huge budget cuts, this guy is a life saver!

Unfortunately I missed the big * next to the word pledge. He hasn't actually given anybody a dime, and apparently he may never. Seriously, who does that!? Where else does shit like this happen!? They didn't check his bank account?? Could I waltz over to some office and say I'm donating 10 mil and get not one, but TWO stories about me in the paper!? (You know, the second one comes out when they realize I'm broke)

On to the article:


Tipsters have provided The Bee and other news organizations with many allegations about Bigelow and his company. But none have been willing to go on the record with first-hand information and none of the claims could be verified.


Whatever Kudos actually are, I'm taking them back from the Bee.

The only blemish on Bigelow's legal record is a 2008 arrest for drunken driving and a later probation violation in which authorities said he drove with a suspended license.

Bigelow paid $1,720 in fines in the first case -- but only after it was sent to collection, Fresno County court records show.

So they squeezed 17 hundred bucks out of him after sending it to collections. He's gonna be like those people you see on the TV commercials, debt collectors calling day night and day: "I'm calling on behalf of Fresno State, you still owe us 10 million dollars. We're sending it to collections."

The rest of the article is just weird, here's the web gem:

"I've talked to several athletic directors around the country on very large donations and it's never been like this in any other community," Bigelow said.

Proof positive! Jordan fourth quarter in '92! Swoosh! Fresnomore

I'm serious this time!

Not to make excuses, but I'm about to make an excuse.

I'm working about 60 hours a week right now and I'm over a thousand miles from Fresno. Between the breakfast beers, the women and the work, it's a little difficult to update this. Plus, the news I have checked has been pretty boring.

August! I promise I'll get back to 6 a week in August.

Hey, look at the bright side, I'm still way more up-t0-date than these losers.

Abazu strikes again

Truth in advertising!

Click on the link. More later

Excitement in the air...

Now that I've broken the seal, might as well keep laying it on VSP. Takada has a new column up (which I haven't read yet) that I will now make fun of.

Let's see........ oh here's one!

My countdown to football season has begun. And there are plenty of questions that I can’t wait to see answered, unless any of you can answer them for me.

So if I can answer the questions then you CAN wait to see them answered. I love statements like this.

4-Will Fresno City College get over the hump and win a bowl game for the first time since 2003?

They have bowls at the FBS (Fooball Bowl Subdivision) level and playoffs at the FCS (Football Championship Subdivision), D-II, and D-III levels. I guess they make it symmetrical by returning to bowls at the WGAF (Who gives a fuck) level.

11-Is Pat Hill going to use Ebahn Feathers in the pistol formation?

Is George Takada an idiot?

13-Will Fresno State win the WAC for the first time since 1997?

Here is where Takada makes the real web gem. We last won the WAC in 1999, and Colorado State won it in 1997. It took me less than 30 seconds to look that up... sigh

16-Is Tom Brandstater an NFL caliber quarterback?

I know you want to wait if I know the answer, but 'No.

Okay, enough of this. I'm bordering on violating an important rule.

Fiesta Night!!

I've read Pat Hill's rant to the LA Times about Univision Stadium and the Hispanic version of Notre Dame, but this actually looks serious:

So in partnership with Hispanic businesses and media organizations, the Bulldogs will hold the inaugural Bulldog Football Fiesta Night for the Sept. 5 home opener against UC Davis.

Great idea, I'll admit it. Especially against a snoozer 1-AA team.

"Today for the first time I can truly say I think we have a chance to truly paint the Valley red," Hill said excitedly.

Glad he was excited.


I got it! So Notre Dame has that sign thing. We should get our own sign, but instead of it saying "Play like a Champion Today" it can say, "Today for the first time I can truly say I think we have a chance to truly paint the valley red."

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In a related story, Mexico is donating 11,000 books to Fresno County. So... um... does this count as illegal immigration?

Another "interesting" Fresno Bee quote:

"I study with them in Spanish because I don't know English," Baleriano said.

Bu, But, bu, bu how did... could she!? Did it, was it.... ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????/

Okay, just playin.

Some of Ewing's students in the immersion program performed songs at the ceremony as they clutched small U.S. and Mexican flags.

... and the rest of the students wondered what they could do to feel special about the race they did not choose to be... and again.