Gottschalks

Gottschalks went out of business today, as one of the two liquidation companies beat out a Chinese company which would keep the place open. Very sad.

Random Ridiculous Fresno story of the day: Mom of boy found eating trash in Madera park arrested.

Lastly, Fresno now has a new hockey team, the Fresno Monsters. I'm officially scared.

I apologize for the lack of output recently, I have been quite busy. I promise to find (Fresno)more material soon!

Top 10 reasons Fresno is... cool?

Oh great, here's some bull-ish if I EVER seen it.

1. Commitment to our community. Okay, yea most people in Fresno are very committed to Fresno... cuz they've never been anywhere else! Oooooooooooooh.

2. World-class agriculture. I'll give it to 'em here. Fresno has lots of agriculture and fresh vegetables and stuff because of it.... and they've got the cow-poo smell to prove it.

3.Entertainment and Leisure... Oh please:

The 16,000-seat Save Mart Center on campus is one of the world’s best-attended concert venues

I mean, I'm sure it's in the top 3 or 4 hundred venues....

4. Bulldog pride! They're right, no one else has Bulldog pride! Except Louisiana Tech, oh and Georgia.... yea and Yale too. Yep, and um, Gonzaga. What the F-No is that thing from Georgetown? I think a Hoya is just a disguised Bulldog... so, we're ALMOST unique!

5. Emphasis on academics. Really? You're really saying we're the only college in the country, in the WORLD with an emphasis on academics!?!? Okay, sure.

6. Centrally located in California. Well sure, as long as you don't count Fresno City College, and Fresno Pacific, and UC-Merced, and a bunch of other colleges in the valley.

7. Excellence in Academic research. Definitely unique here.

8. Environmental Sustainability. Really!? We've got some of the worst air in the nation and you're putting this ish up here!?!? Only in Fresno.

9. Distinguished Alumni. Lane Kiffin is among these. He's distinguished... albeit for accusing coaches of lying and telling players they will end up pumping gas if they don't go to Tennessee... so yea, unique!

10. Richness in culture, creativity and diversity. Yea, real diverse. I've never seen seen so many drug dealers from all walks in my life!


I'll leave you with another creative Fresno criminal. This dude asked a chick for a dollar. She was nice enough to give him one... and then he punched her in the ribs and took the damn purse! How clever! Check out his description:

Police said the man ran east on Ninth Street. He is described as about 18 to 20 years old, about 5 feet-11 inches tall, medium build, with a bad complexion and bleached buzz-cut hair. He was wearing a baggy white T-shirt and dark-colored shorts.

Sisqo makin' a comeback!?... Only in Fresno (not saying it was necessarily a black guy... just saying that NOBODY bleaches their hair anymore).... yea.... Only in Fresno

"This is Fresno people, everyone here is recycled!"

"Yea, the world-famous Fresno Sanitary Landfill!"


No, you idiot, not THAT kind of recycled. I asked a few friends for help with "The List" and the lovely Ms. Summitt came up with a good one. She said she heard a radio call-in show ask the question, "How does a person's past affect relationships? Should people ditch someone because of their past?"

And the best response was, "Come on now people. You know if your man use to sleep with tons of people in his past that he's probably got something now. This is Fresno people, everyone here is recycled!"

Not quite as terrifying as the last time I heard "This is Fresno" (see The List #18), but probably even more disgusting.

What are our boys at VSP up to? Oh, must be a slow news day, and by slow I mean tectonic-plate-action-flattening-the-rocky-mountains. It's a profile on our boy O'Neal! David Carr is in town, there's spring football, baseball is going strong, and there was an article last week half-dedicated to him, but whatevs. Actually, this is great, because it provides more hilarity. Check out the quote from Paul George:

“We learned so much from Dwight,” said freshman forward Paul George. “He talks about his past and things that he’s done. He tells us the do’s and the don’ts... it’s kind of good to have kind of an extra coach."

I can just see him calling up the Frosh's the day after his arrest in February; "Hey guys, I got a new "don't" for ya; Driving with a suspended license."..."Thanks man, you're like an extra coach!"

I still can't figure out how to get the actual front-page news from The Bee from their web site. It just runs a continuous stream of local stories straight out of Jackass 3: Uncut Fresno Edition. Just check out this headline: "Boys unharmed in dumpster fire set while playing with a lighter."

No Comment.

Looking for Fresno's craziness is so easy, it's kind of enjoyable. Funny, but just running this blog has made me like the place a little more. It's freaking unique!

Cruel Irony has a name.... You can probably guess

While I doubt my boy Heroinhead tipped anybody off, the Gods of Fresno found a way to repay me. I once complained that someone had stolen the front tire from my bike.

"Why steal the front wheel? What's that gonna accomplish?"

Well, the other day they answered by stealing my boy Abazu's entire bike-- except the front wheel.

We now have one bike between us. "Aaaaaaaaww, how cute"... WRONG! Mine was a road bike, his a mountain. Might as well try pluggin your legos into your K-Nex.

I found out today that the guy who invented this creepy-ass technology is from F-No. Say it ain't so! They can hunt anyone down who tries to escape!

Lastly, don't you just feel bad for this guy. If only he had a few little more minutes to flush the rest of the meth. Oh, and the scales, the bullet-proof vest, and the "packaging", he'd have gotten off scott-free! Just don't call the sewage tank guy.

Definitely not a whodunit

I almost forgot this gem of a trial which began today. Unfortunately, the story is so nutty that it doesn't need any spin from smart-ass bloggers like me to make it sound absurd. My favorite line comes from the prosecutor:

"The case is not a whodunit"

Where'd they get this guy, the Andy Griffith show!? Hate to break it to ya guys but, (psssst, Matlock wasn't real).

Okay, I'll resist the very strong urge to go on.

Believe me, I don't mean to take the death of the guy lightly or make fun of innocent victims or anything like that... but the utter stupidity of everyone involved is mind boggling.

Sorry Fresnofamous.com, THIS is Fresno famous.

Fresnomore's #1 fan!

Here he is, the lone worshipper of all things Fresnomore (and all things um, heroin) Heroinhead. I'd like to thank the academy, this is very fitting for a blog of this nature.


I need to ween myself of caffeine, as I have crashed before the time even came to update this thing.

Thanks again to heroinhead for becoming fresnomore's first follower. You are... quite interesting.

Spring football practice began yesterday. Checking out these pictures, if you go about 2/3rds of the way you down you get a picture of Derek Carr and Ryan Colburn with the caption "Ryan Colburn back to back with Carr."

It's like a wet-dream for overzealous, obsessive Fresno State fans (which is good, because I doubt they're getting much action), kind of reminds me of a scene from Requiem for a Dream.

"Groooooooooooooooooooooooooss!"

Fresno Friday, with Ben Stein

My bracket isn't looking so hot right now. I picked Northern Iowa over Purdue for my 12-5 upset instead of WKU-whoever they played. I found out further that they don't pay for gas money either with the "free" movie tickets, so I figure that losing will actually save me money!

Elsewhere, I slugged out to the Ben Stein talk last night. It was crazy to see a world famous man up on the stage, especially one so underwhelming as Stein. He had a bit of a hunch back and was really short.



The stuff he said was quite interesting, and he sounded very left save for a few rather obvious exceptions. He openly blamed Republicans for the economic collapse and said Democrats were doing exactly what they needed to be doing. Where he got off was right at the end when he blurted out that he just freaking loved the military! Out of nowhere. And the crowd went freaking wild! Democrats need to learn this stuff.

A Q&A session followed which involved some nutty characters. Even I won't blame Fresno for this as unfortunately the people that speak up at public events are almost universally the people least qualified to do so. Some woman came up and said she predicted the exact extent of the economic collapse and wondered why the experts couldn't do it. He said, in so many words, that she was an idiot. Another kid claimed he had made thousands off of short selling stocks. He called this kid, again, an idiot in the most polite way I have ever seen.

Gay marriage came up. Stein said, very loudly, "WELL SOME PEOPLE THINK THE VOTERS SHOULD DECIDE AND THAT'S WHAT CALIFORNIA DID." and then, almost a whisper, "but one of my best friends is gay and he thinks the courts should decide, so I go with him."

The legalization of marijuana came up. Stein loudly said that he loved smoking weed in the 60s, and then backed off with the ridiculous argument that today's marijuana is too strong to be legal.

He even said at one point that the people of cities like Fresno were wonderfully helpful to others, but that Ivy-Leaguers (He even named schools! Despite being an Ivy-Leaguer himself) were greedy for money and thus couldn't be trusted.

And then, as the Q&A session ended, he AGAIN went on a rant about how much he looooooooved the military, and the crowd went wild again!!

In other words, he told half-truths and even some outright lies to pander to an audience that he knew was politically conservative and generally not that smart. No problem, he's a celebrity trying to win over a crowd. What scares me is, do actual Republicans do this?

Okay, not to get too far off-subject, a Fresno nursing home was fined $80,000 because a resident died of choking.

Don't forget to cheer on the Women's basketball team tomorrow night on ESPN2. Or, even better, go down to LA to see 'em. You can leave Fresno!!!! Go 'Dogs!

fmylife.com... you know, Fresno My Life

Filled out a tournament bracket yesterday even though I don't watch basketball. My apartment complex had some competition where you could win a Nintendo Wii. I figured why not, it's just a big guessing game anyway. After 20 minutes of jumbling through colleges I've never heard of like Siena, Binghamton, and Wake Forest, the chick at the counter tells me it isn't actually a Wii up for grabs... it's some movie tickets.

Go Kansas! If you guys win it all I can give the Watchmen even more money instead of bootlegging it!

I figured out today that what the Fresno Bee puts on the front of its web site doesn't match front of the paper. The top story online right now is about a paving worker who suffered first degree burns in a flash fire.

First off, don't they mean third-degree burns? I thought first degree burns meant stuff like sunburn. Surely it ain't THAT slow a news day.

Anyway, I'll figure out how to get the real front-page news soon, but first I need to make sure LSU beats Butler.

Lastly, according to VSP.com "Save Mart is no longer part of the annual Save Mart Shootout".

Well if they aren't, then what are they? And what is it? How? This is reminiscent of the old Louis C.K. act:

"...Why?"

"... Because some things ARE and some things AREN'T!"

"Why?"

"Well... you can't NOT BE!!"

"...Why?"


Don't worry, you'll figure it out tomorrow.

Luck 'o the Fresnish

Believe me, I didn't want St. Patrick's Day to end up like most things that should be fun do in this city. I tried to believe it would be better, but 'No.

We left last night around 9:30, all festive and dressed in green. We arrived at a place called Grogg's or something and got ready to get ID'd. But, as soon as we walked up a bouncer began talking to TNJ in a way that said, even through the loud music, "You're not gettin in."

Turns out they closed at 10!

Silly us, we should've known better. It was a freaking school night after all!

Next stop, some other crappy pseudo-Irish bar. We pulled up to find a line outside longer than a Fresno strip mall.

Defeated, we decided on good old Red Wave. Red Wave is a nice little hole in the wall. Comfortable, but not really exciting. We rolled all the way up to the door, and just when we thought there was no line, we got one, this time it was longer than Blackstone Avenue.

Double defeated, we went to a convenience store go buy beer and head to somebody's house. We went to grab the beer, and found that the door was locked. Not the front door, just the door to the beer. For some reason they make you get a key to grab the stuff before you even buy it. Presumably it's to prevent theft. But really, if someone wanted to take the beer and run, they would just do so after using the key, right? There are no winners here!

But, a silver lining! If you look under my buddy's left forearm you can see it: There was a green piece of plastic connecting the key to the dust-collector thingy.

This place has the spirit after all.

...And then we went home and slugged the beer down quick so we could pass out and forget where we were for a few hours.

allot of stupids out there

By a miracle was able to find a Fresno blogger who agreed with me on an issue today. Unfortunately it's still embarrassing. The references to "kimmo therapy" and "allot of stupids out there are pissed" ruin the reciprocal feelings.

Elsewhere, it's St. Patrick's Day. I will go out tonight (to my own detriment) and tell of the green nightmares tomorrow.

-FNM

Fresno Falcons Suck Night

Looking at this morning's Fresno Bee, we've got a sex crime against a 12-year-old, a man arrested on drug charges, a burglary/carjacking, a rollover accident death, and, hey the Visalia police caught a guy attempting a carjacking! Sweet! But the devil's in the details:


According to the police report released this evening, the attempted carjacking happened about 10:45 a.m. [the robber], 42, of Dinuba pushed [A woman], 25, of Visalia out of the way as she was getting out of her car while she was holding her baby.

He couldn't get the car started, so he ran. Officers found him about a block away in the 300 block of North Jacob Street.

That whole getting keys thing didn't interest him, he's a valley criminal.

Women's BB:

I think women's basketball can be exciting. It's basically the only game in town here right now, so congrats to the team for making it into the tournament. Unfortunately, things don't look too good from here on out:

However, Charlie Creme's bracketology on ESPN.com Saturday projected the Bulldogs as a No. 15 seed playing No. 2 Stanford in San Diego in the Berkeley Regional.

"Shame on him," Wiggins said.

You go, coach!! Tell 'im off! How dare he pick our team as a 15 seed instead of... instead of some other team!

Good luck to the lady 'Dogs. Wait, that sounds bad.

Hockey:

(Guess where this happy kid is from? (Hint; It's not Fresno))

"Hockey!? Didn't that already fold embarrassingly mid-season?"

Yes, it did. But that didn't satisfy F-No. Turns out that, besides never reimbursing season-ticket holders (a.k.a. "suckers"), they owe money to children.

Here's the best part of the article:

The Falcons' employee who organized 4-H Night was laid off, and the ECHL franchise folded Dec. 22, midseason.

They seem to imply that, had he not screwed this up, he'd still have a job.

Right. And people in the Bay area are really excited to live only 3 hours from Fresno.

The Boise Idaho Steelheads held an official "Fresno Falcons Suck Night," offered cheap beer, and sold 800 extra tickets compared to a typical night.

I concur. Tonight I encourage all F-nomore readers to drink cheap beer, reflect on how much the Falcons suck, and um, figure out what the Hell a Steelhead is.

Bran...stateAAh!

All riiiiiiiight! Checking out the ol' (not that it'll ever get old) valleysportspulse.com, we see a story about how our boy Tommy Brandstater did well at the NFL combine. Check out the advice his agent gave him about his torn lat muscle:

“When we first warmed up, you weren’t supposed to have any phones, any contact with anybody,” Brandstater said. But I snuck my phone out there and texted my trainer. I said I can’t do this anymore. There’s no way I’ll be able to throw. I’ll just make myself look bad. He never responded, so I just kind of said screw it. I’ll just go out there and see what I can do.”

Boy, his trainer sure was worried about his draft status! "Ah, it's Stater again... I'm too busy with, um, this bottle of shampoo right now."

So he did well at the combine, but at day's end his muscle was 70-percent torn. Looks like our boy is in for a great NFL career.

(Brandstater wonders where it went wrong. "I really thought he liked me this time!")


Baseball:
Looks like our National Championship baseball team is off to a hot start, they beat Buffalo (Buffalo?) 20-0 Saturday night for their fourth win over that team in just over a week. It looked like a good Nelson-from-the-Simpsons style bullying joke would work well here, but Fresno provides better comedy. In the 7th inning, the Moog-synthesizer-inspired PA system went out. We hold these truths to be self-evident... that Fresno is jacked.

(PA guy with ghetto bullhorn: "Your attention plese, FSU now has a new mascot. Time Out will be replaced by "Time Off." The position has been filled by whoever the Hell runs the facilities crew.")

What, oh what will Monday bring to F-No. more