Tell me more tell me more, (cuz it sounds like a drag)

I was supposed to go to the Fresno fair today, but got ditched. The people of Fresno do it every time.

Fresno is now officially the dumbest city in America.

The description is priceless:

The race to the bottom wasn’t even close. The largest city in California’s San Joaquin breadbasket, Fresno, had deficiencies across the board. College education (less than 20 percent of the local population have four-year degrees), graduate studies, academic institutions (not much besides Fresno State), book purchases, voter engagement—it ranked in the worst 5 percent in almost all of our categories. Problems with gangs and crystal meth tend to deter the best and brightest.

In other words, we are the dumbest by a wide margin. You can read the pollsters' shock between the lines.


And the headline of the day:

Coroner: Workplace shooter was drunk

The cold, the wind and the rain

Yesterday was an atrocious day for football, with Cal embarrassing themselves in a way unmatched by anything I've ever seen until I saw the score of the Houston-UTEP game.

Looks like we'll all be hearing about USC and Ohio State coming down the stretch again this year.

Inebriated, and yet still bored, we walked around the apartment complex to see if anyone was outside.

No. They weren't.

The sprinklers had been running all day for some reason and the sidewalk had about a half-inch of standing water that soaked my loafers.

Finally, turning towards the last opportunistic corridor of apartments, a huge gust of wind blew cold in the direction of our apartment, followed immediately by the sprinklers coming on yet again and spraying everything in sight.

We went home. Another Saturday down.

Awaxawhat!?

Welcome back to Fresnomore, brought to you by this giant cactus:

This picture was taken in the Mexican state of Oaxaca, which is being celebrated locally by a festival.

The shirt needs to now read, "Not Hispanic! Not Latino! Not Mexican! Oaxacaxacianan!!"

Yet another culture found in this crazy-ass clusterfuck. I'd go check out the festival, buuuuuuuut I don't have anyone to go with.

Elsewhere, a murder charge from 1974 was dropped today by local prosecutors. But wait! There's more:

Fresno County prosecutors this morning dropped murder charges against a 53-year-old man in a case that dates to New Year’s Day 1974 -- but the District Attorney’s Office says the case is far from over.

Dude, how much farther from over can this thing be? It's been 35 years! You tryin' to catch crooks on geologic time!?

I'm going to start counting how many strollers, homeless people on bikes, and good ol' bag people I see on my way to work, starting tomorrow. Aw shucks, let's make it a 3-for-1 and throw in the white trash.

It'll be a Fresno adaptation of the old Tiny Tunes bit!

No seriously...

I really hate this fucking place.

A haze sits over me as i write this, wading through a never-ending daydream caused by an inability to sleep off any more of the hours I'm trapped in this hell hole. Options: drink a bunch of liquor and pass out for a few hours (J/K totally kid'n man!......ya), or try to do something productive.

Blogging!

I managed to walk to a bar last night like the old days, except I had to cross a busy highway and was more or less scared the whole way there and back.

Oh, and I was alone.

The bar, okay, it was the Red Wave, was actually pretty good. They had tacos for 50 cents and Miller High Life for a dollar. The place was packed with Mexicans and whenever a new norteno song would come on they'd all start yelling, "Ayayayayayayay!!" and stuff like that. Oh and they drank these beers with GALLONS, OCEANS, TRUCKLOADS (low riders? ha ha) of salt in them. I drank about a quarter of one and, as Snoop Doggy Dogg says, "I had back up off it and sit my cup down."

"Don't worry SPM, there really is a Mexican Heaven."


Anyway my one friend who doesn't live with her parents gossipped with me all night about the people we know who do live with their parents. Okay, okay, I really like the Red Wave. But it's the only decent bar I've found in this city. And now I have two whole days to kill and tonight's football game will end at 7 pm and I will want to murder the inventor this stupid f*cking time zone again.

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Headlines!

The best one from today is the pictures released of a Visalia Bank Robber:

1) This is so damn obvious. "Hello! I'm wearing a safari hat and sunglasses indoors, y'ever think I might rob somebody!?" And
2) The dude just looks goofy, like how I'd expect a fat guy in a church play to dress if he was in a bank robbing scene.

We've got 400% unemployment, meanwhile Mr. Not Qualified got confirmed to the state appeals court.

One of the Valley's famous unnamed conservatives commented that he hopes this will bring common sense to the judges. Ah yes, common sense, that thing we fall back on when our argument can't be made with logic or evidence. He should bring plenty of that.

2 teachers were arrested on child porn charges. No, I'm not going to blame this on Fresno. The best thing to do on a story like this is read the comments:

cal_stunn wrote on September, 24 8:50 PM:

it's funny how some people are quick to defend these kind of people that are teachers, police, etc that get charged with these offenses. Wonder why ???? they should'nt even get hired on the first place, they should run some kind of test on them before they even think of hiring them.

So, the reason people defend them is that they shouldn't get hired "on" the first place. In the wide world of non-sequiturs, this is still an amazing stretch. Should go in the non sequitur hall of fame. (Because if football can have a hall of fame, non sequiturs deserve one too!... that one'll hit ya tomorrow)

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeven better, they should run a test on teachers, police, etc. before they even think of hiring them. Since we cannot determine exactly when someone first thinks of hiring someone, this test must be administered to everyone in the world starting right now, presumably as soon as they are born in case granny is tempted to say, "He's so loving, I think he'll grow up to be a teacher".

I once thought that an (untested) friend of mine should be hired as a teacher, for which my sincerest apologies go to cal_stunn. I have let you down friend.

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This blog has not been updated much recently. So what. The point was always to get something up on Google to warn people who are thinking of moving to Fresno or the Valley that it's a bad idea.

So, do not move to Fresno. Fresno, California sucks! I would not advise living in THE CENTRAL SAN JOAQUIN VALLEY OF CALIFORNIA, CA, UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, USA. CULTURE, PLACES TO LIVE, HOUSING, COST OF LIVING in CENTRAL CALIFORNIA, EDUCATION, SCHOOL SYSTEM.

Don't move here, ever!

(P.S. If I sound slightly insane, it's because I've lived here for over a year now and am starting to come unglued)

Valley Logic

Madera County bans pot dispensaries

Madera County voted, unanimously, to get rid of all the medical marijuana dispensaries in the county limits. Conservatives do things like this, why?

Supervisors said dispensaries can increase crime, including drug-dealing, robbery and loitering, which impairs the health, safety and welfare of the community.

So they increase crime, including drug dealing.

Let's get this straight. They are going to close a place that sells legal marijuana, and this will DECREASE the amount of illegal drug dealing taking place?

Robbery.

How?

And loitering.

This is a crime now?

which impairs the health, safety and welfare of the community.

Right, because we would never want to be like the places that have dispensaries A.K.A. LA, San Francisco, and every place in this state that anyone would ever actually want to visit.

Latest Headline

First day of fall to top 100 degrees

The Goods

Saturday my buddy and me went movie hopping. "Isn't that something you do in high school?" Well, yea. Unless you live in Fresno and have nothing else going on.

It was fun though, reliving high school a little bit. It was great being afraid of getting caught when we darted in between theaters (they had a good bit of security too). I liked having authority to be afraid of instead of just being afraid of my own stupid actions.

We saw District 9. Eh. Inglourious Basterds. Great movie! Nothing to do with Fresno though.

But The Goods. Surprise surprise, it's got a Fresno joke! I wrote earlier about the astonishing number of movies which make fun of a city most people on the east coast have never heard of.

In fact, I took note of the lowest-common-denominator nature of most of the jokes in The Goods. Almost all of them were either racist, sexist, made fun of retarded people, or were simply about sex. If they weren't that then the humor depended on simple volume or the juxtaposition of a businessman wanting to be in a boy band (a.k.a. effeminate). Anyone from any era anywhere would get these jokes as we all know what Asians are and what sex is.

This makes the Fresno joke an anomaly, it's one of the most sophisticated and thought out jokes in the whole film! Why do they run this joke knowing it will be completely lost on more than half the people who see it (as the east coast has way more citizens than the west)?

I can just see that part of the film playing in a theater in my hometown. The whole audience would be silent.

It's an inside joke. And yet they still couldn't resist.

I wondered too about the other people watching the movie. Does it bother them that their hometown gets constantly lampooned by outsiders? Do they ever wonder if it really is better in the outside world? Do they think that maybe this many people just can't be wrong and that they need to do something about it?......

Nope, they don't.

Let's get personal

So, aside from stories I find in the paper, I'd like to recount a few personal encounters.

These also may have less to do with Fresno than with California or the whole West Coast, but it's still strange to me:

The other day they make a big announcement at work, "We're buying pizza for everybody!" Then they ask what everybody wants. Somebody says, "I don't care." The next person says, "Pepperoni, I guess." The third guy says, "Vegetarian." I try to hide a laugh. The person after that also says, "Vegetarian". 'Seriously!?' I think, 'What the Hell is wrong with these people? What's gonna become of the world if you eat a pizza with meat on it?'

It comes to me, I try to make a joke, "Meat". In response, "Oh, you mean like the kind with tons of meat on it, like 5 different kinds?" 'Jesus Christ!' I think, 'They must think I'm some kind of barbarian now.' "No, I was just joking. I just meant I'd like a pizza that isn't vegetarian." (Or something like that, it was awkward)

Later in the day somebody says their chair is uncomfortable, and our boss tells us he is going to have people show up in two weeks to show us the proper way to sit in our chairs and use a computer so we don't suffer from "repetitive stress". That's right, repetitive stress -- while sitting down.

I said, "Ha ha, yea man that's a good one." Wrong!

"No seriously, I had to quit a job once because I suffered from repetitive stress."

The next day we've got to take a golf cart somewhere. Who will drive? "Well" says another higher-up, "Who has had the defensive driving class?"

"For a golf cart?"

"Oh yea! You can't drive it without taking the class."

"Look, I've played plenty of golf in my time, and-"

"Well that's why you need the class!"

I thought about explaining that golf courses let you drive a cart without taking a class (you did DRIVE A CAR THERE after all), but decided the effort would be futile.

I know that asshole!

"Hey, what do I look like?"

So I'm scowering through the Bee this morning, looking for stuff that might confirm Fresno sucks in a humorous or interesting way, and I come across something familiar.

This guy Chuck Poochigian is trying to get nominated as an appellate court judge, and it turns out he is rated as "not qualified" by some committee. Looks like he hasn't practiced law in over 20 years. Of course, as the article says, the govanaata will probably appoint him anyway.

"Okay" you say, "A Republican gets a position even though he isn't qualified. What else is new?"

Well, I've met this guy! Believe it or not, I interviewed him once last year. He was a complete asshole, completely full of his old white male self. I asked him what his fondest memory of Fresno State was and he responded that it was organizing a charity event.

He then went through his history working with other Republican FSU graduates and talked about how knowing these guys got him good jobs. He said something like, "I've never made friends for the purpose of advancing my career, but [that's exactly what I've done]."

Then he asked me if I knew anything about "Sin City" behind the frat houses. I told him no, but did he know anything about it? "No." Really dude? You bring this up to me and don't know anything about it?

And as soon as the formal interview was over he stormed out of the place, his chance for self promotion over. Oh yea and he hassled me to get a transcript of the interview for the next week until I got him one so he could sue us if we said anything slanderous (like we gave a f--- about him).

So, I'm glad he's rated as "not qualified", because he's white Fresno through and through.

Health Care Reform

This issue is certainly not unique to Fresno, but at the same time it isn't something I'm disinclined to ramble about.

These "town hall meetings" are fascinating -- completely transparent -- but fascinating nonetheless. I haven't followed politics as closely in the last few months, and I have kept wondering, "Why are people so fired up about health care?"

They're storming buildings and shouting and making all kinds of noise, because they don't want health care reform?? The whispers around the country are that the meetings are no more than a thinly-veiled outlet for overt racism directed at Obama. I'd love to say I think more of people in general, but I don't.

A pic from last night's Clovis rally:

"Hey look, an old white man pointing to show his penis, I mean, authority, to a room full of a bunch of other old white people."

The writer of the Bee article is clearly disgusted by the spectacle and it shows in the writing. Technically this is a bad thing, but I don't mind.

This gem shows perfectly how Republicans are so annoying:

While one person used the nation's infant mortality rate -- which is higher than that of some countries with socialized medicine -- to show Obama's proposed reform is needed, another worried about how the reform proposal could lead to government intrusion into personal lives.

So, while one person used evidence to back up their point, the other used the slippery slope to not only undermine the cause (without cause), but to move the discussion away from health care reform completely.

They do it every time! The slippery slope and then the other thing, where they come up with some sort of nightmare scenario which has nothing to do with the issue at hand. In this case it's the thing about how they want you to discuss your end of life plans with the government.

The cable guy just came and I lost my train of thought. Anyway, Democrats should take to not playing by the rules. I'm tired of seeing them get screwed because they don't cheat.

More Evidence

Now that I'm back (I'll spare you the whiny shit I wrote upon my return) I've discovered some more backup for my claim that Fresno sucks beyond belief.

And it ain't even some blog or a Bee article. It's books, the official medium of the smart and pretentious:

The Slow Death of Fresno State: A California Campus under Reagan and Brown (Sorry, no cover available. Funny story though, a Google image search of the title brought up several pictures of FSU football players, gas prices, and a toilet. All equally to blame for the death and current status of Fresno State.)

As great as the title is, the subtitle is the real gem. As a hardcore Reagan hater I can't wait to read about even more stuff that he fucked up.

In My Father's Name


This one further details the corruption of the political system and supposedly explains why the entire city now lies north of downtown and why there are endless, ubiquitous, suicide-note-inducing miles of strip malls in the area.

I hope to read these before the year is up. I may post a few excerpts for the blog and, more importantly, come to realize that I'm not the only one to blame for ending up in my shitty situation (yea right).

March to the Guillotine

The sounds of Berlioz, written so many eons ago... could only have been meant to describe my dread at returning to the 'No, kicking and screaming.

My return flight arrives in the city one hour after my first meeting starts. My flight will simply be 'delayed' and I'll move in while dealing with my first work week. There is not an ounce of regret in my frame here, as the alternative would have me there already.

This has been a pleasant summer, one where the everyday has become magnificent, (I have friends to talk to at night!) and you-know-where became like a nightmare....

Alas, the summer was the temporary escape, not the permanent solution.

9 months, 9 months and I'll be free of it forever. Let's turn over a new leaf, lol :)

It NEVER STOPS

Just do it, just fucking read this article. Where in the whole world can you find more desperate losers than this?


Just one little excerpt:


Payday lenders flourish in low-income areas such as the central San Joaquin Valley. Fresno County, for example, has more of them per capita than any other large county in the state.


I got an idea! The people who walk into these places should just be executed instead of getting a loan at the rate of 460% annually. 3/4ths of Fresno will be gone in weeks!!!

From Abazu...

You gotta feel for my boy, he just sent this via facebook. JESUS I'm glad I got out for the summer:



You know you've spent your summer in Fresno when:

Your university tuition rates increase by 30% within a few weeks

The university raises your tuition then eliminates your student job! (how the hell im supposed to pay for this ish)

The president of the university says the budget gap is around 19 million dollars, and you realize thats near the same amount they've paid in ridiculous sexual harassment lawsuits in the past few years. But noone questions this, and this dumbass president is still in office.

Forget daytime comedies all you need to do is read the Crime Alerts, Fresno Bee, and watch the local news for comic relief

Days of triple degree weather become a norm for you, you get excited for a 90 degree day, and locals comment by saying "well at least its dry heat!" but you know thats some bullshit valley term

You contemplate deep depression, but realize that the "dry heat" wont allow you to display too many emotions

On these 112 degree days..your roommate turns the AC to 80 freakin degrees..you want to yell and scream, but realize he just wont (and never will) get it...

The UV index is listed as 11 on a scale from 1-10 in the newspaper daily..and you wonder how can that be

You are soo happy when you can visit others cities in California, but once there you find yourself telling others how much Fresno sucks the whole time..and so that kind of ruins the vacation

When you see Dog Days (student orientation) students rooming around campus you're tempted to run up to them and say "run, leave, go far far away, and never come back! but you chicken out each time

You think its funny they posts soo many "crime alerts" while Dog Days is in session and question your roomates gf (a dog days adviser)..but she says that the students/parents never comment about them..and then you realize that the comment "..Well, this is Fresno" you heard a long time ago rings true

There are literally multiple crime alerts each week, including a guy who grabbed a girl's but, then ran (not a crime) and a guy who chased a girl on campus while masturbating (true story) and of course random killings around campus (but they dont phase you anymore)

You grin when you see posters that read "Fresno State, Pride of Valley" and "All American City" cause of know they are inaccurate in so many different ways

You set up dates to go to "club" library because it becomes your place of fun

You dread weekends, because you have even LESS things to do

You think you are mentally and physically imprisoned..and like an inmate only thoughts of friends, family, and your former life keep you sane

People ask why you are here for the summer. You respond by saying you have a job and rent to pay..and they respond "sooo..why are you here this summer?"

You can count the number of times you've been out of the house and had some fun

and There's so much more! anyways see you in a few weeks bro!

Roe v. Wade meets The King of Pop

Say what!?


The names of the various bars in Fresno always conjure up a shudder and a pang of regret when I hear them.


Elephant Bar reminds me of the girl who invited me there and then promptly ditched me.


Cabo Wabo reminds me of the asshole who checked our IDs with a black light like he was in the FBI and wouldn't let my friend in because she had a passport ("This gets me into foreign countries but not into this shitty bar!?")


Pandora reminds me of Thanksgiving -- when I was homesick like crazy and stuck at a Fresno high school reunion.


BJs reminds me of when I first got here. I bought a round of shots for the people I was with and got the tab, 40 dollars.


Bliss reminds me of my friend St. Joe, who got a girl's phone number one night. She called two days later -- and told him all about her kids.


Ghaleb's reminds me of, well, Ghaleb's. The most overpriced hookah in the world, they won't let you change the TV channel even though nobody else is there, you can't order water without paying, and an ugly waitress will approach your party every 30 seconds asking if you want shots.


I've repressed the name of a hole-in-the-wall bar on Blackstone where the patrons made fun of us for not being old ("I bet none of y'all over 24! I could be yo daddy!") and I walked in the bathroom to find a man with no pants on clamoring around and mumbling to himself.


Fibber McGees.... ugh, old people.


A nightmare awaits at every turn.


Anyway, Roe lost their liquor license for 10 days. My nightmare story from Roe happened when we were hanging out outside one night. A huge truck pulled up (what TNJ calls a "small penis truck") and some people got out. We started heckling the driver about the unnecessary size of his truck.


Where I come from the driver would make fun of my tiny car in rebuttal and we'd all laugh. This guy ran directly into his friend (e.g. "hold me back!") and launched several empty threats at us. I think I cried that night.


They lost the license for a "string of incidents" including public intoxications (at a bar?... paging Ron White...) and assault (maybe the guy in the SPT actually came through one night). But I know the real reason:



It's the creepy Boy Scouts of America poster in the men's room!... This is, of course, Fresno's version of a Michael Jackson tribute. Ow!!!

You've just won 10 million dollars!!!... If I can come up with it.

"Um, yea... about that..." (Kudos to the bee for snapping such an appropriate pic)

The first real Fresno-esque news I've seen in a bit, and yet another textbook example of this city creating the type of nightmare most people don't know is possible.

So this dude, an ex-FSU football player, goes out and says he's donating 10 million bucks to the athletics department. Hey that's awesome, we ran a huge debt last year and we're facing huge budget cuts, this guy is a life saver!

Unfortunately I missed the big * next to the word pledge. He hasn't actually given anybody a dime, and apparently he may never. Seriously, who does that!? Where else does shit like this happen!? They didn't check his bank account?? Could I waltz over to some office and say I'm donating 10 mil and get not one, but TWO stories about me in the paper!? (You know, the second one comes out when they realize I'm broke)

On to the article:


Tipsters have provided The Bee and other news organizations with many allegations about Bigelow and his company. But none have been willing to go on the record with first-hand information and none of the claims could be verified.


Whatever Kudos actually are, I'm taking them back from the Bee.

The only blemish on Bigelow's legal record is a 2008 arrest for drunken driving and a later probation violation in which authorities said he drove with a suspended license.

Bigelow paid $1,720 in fines in the first case -- but only after it was sent to collection, Fresno County court records show.

So they squeezed 17 hundred bucks out of him after sending it to collections. He's gonna be like those people you see on the TV commercials, debt collectors calling day night and day: "I'm calling on behalf of Fresno State, you still owe us 10 million dollars. We're sending it to collections."

The rest of the article is just weird, here's the web gem:

"I've talked to several athletic directors around the country on very large donations and it's never been like this in any other community," Bigelow said.

Proof positive! Jordan fourth quarter in '92! Swoosh! Fresnomore

I'm serious this time!

Not to make excuses, but I'm about to make an excuse.

I'm working about 60 hours a week right now and I'm over a thousand miles from Fresno. Between the breakfast beers, the women and the work, it's a little difficult to update this. Plus, the news I have checked has been pretty boring.

August! I promise I'll get back to 6 a week in August.

Hey, look at the bright side, I'm still way more up-t0-date than these losers.

Abazu strikes again

Truth in advertising!

Click on the link. More later

Excitement in the air...

Now that I've broken the seal, might as well keep laying it on VSP. Takada has a new column up (which I haven't read yet) that I will now make fun of.

Let's see........ oh here's one!

My countdown to football season has begun. And there are plenty of questions that I can’t wait to see answered, unless any of you can answer them for me.

So if I can answer the questions then you CAN wait to see them answered. I love statements like this.

4-Will Fresno City College get over the hump and win a bowl game for the first time since 2003?

They have bowls at the FBS (Fooball Bowl Subdivision) level and playoffs at the FCS (Football Championship Subdivision), D-II, and D-III levels. I guess they make it symmetrical by returning to bowls at the WGAF (Who gives a fuck) level.

11-Is Pat Hill going to use Ebahn Feathers in the pistol formation?

Is George Takada an idiot?

13-Will Fresno State win the WAC for the first time since 1997?

Here is where Takada makes the real web gem. We last won the WAC in 1999, and Colorado State won it in 1997. It took me less than 30 seconds to look that up... sigh

16-Is Tom Brandstater an NFL caliber quarterback?

I know you want to wait if I know the answer, but 'No.

Okay, enough of this. I'm bordering on violating an important rule.

Fiesta Night!!

I've read Pat Hill's rant to the LA Times about Univision Stadium and the Hispanic version of Notre Dame, but this actually looks serious:

So in partnership with Hispanic businesses and media organizations, the Bulldogs will hold the inaugural Bulldog Football Fiesta Night for the Sept. 5 home opener against UC Davis.

Great idea, I'll admit it. Especially against a snoozer 1-AA team.

"Today for the first time I can truly say I think we have a chance to truly paint the Valley red," Hill said excitedly.

Glad he was excited.


I got it! So Notre Dame has that sign thing. We should get our own sign, but instead of it saying "Play like a Champion Today" it can say, "Today for the first time I can truly say I think we have a chance to truly paint the valley red."

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In a related story, Mexico is donating 11,000 books to Fresno County. So... um... does this count as illegal immigration?

Another "interesting" Fresno Bee quote:

"I study with them in Spanish because I don't know English," Baleriano said.

Bu, But, bu, bu how did... could she!? Did it, was it.... ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????/

Okay, just playin.

Some of Ewing's students in the immersion program performed songs at the ceremony as they clutched small U.S. and Mexican flags.

... and the rest of the students wondered what they could do to feel special about the race they did not choose to be... and again.

Thwarted again!

My grand escape plan failed, so I'm stuck here again for another year. I apologize for the lack of updates, I'll be much more busy this summer than I was in the spring.

FSU sent me the world's most hilarious crime alert a few days ago:

Crime Alert

Forcible Fondling

Wednesday, May 27th at approximately 5:25 p.m. a report came in to the University Police Department from a woman walking in front of Science I building. A man came up behind her and touched her buttocks. The man then fled the scene towards the Science I building.

Suspect Information
Light Skinned Male
Age: Mid-twenties
Height: 5’9”
Weight: 150lbs
Dark Hair, approximately 3” long, clean shaven
wearing a short sleeve white polo shirt

Bear with me, I will pick up the 'No soon

Clouds on the horizon...

F all this, it looks like thunderstorms are hitting the valley today.

It's fitting, because dark days may be ahead for Fresnomore. If I get the good luck and the balls to do it, I may be leaving the valley a whole year before planned... The end could be near!!

TIme to rant

VSP responded to my sharp criticism today -- with a story about a high school girls track star. Dayum!

Fresno isn't the kind of place that would let an era of worldwide business fraud go by without getting a hand in. Turns out we had our very own Bernie Madoff or Ivar Kreuger right here in the pit. I mention Kreuger because our guy had the good sense to kill himself before he got caught.

"In this case, Mr. Otto is essentially the California Madoff," Jabagchourian said Tuesday. "He decimated several hundred people in the Valley."

People around here complain that the valley gets lost in the hype around the areas to the north and south. But see here, they didn't call him the valley Madoff, he won the whole state! There's some local pride for ya.

I guess I should say something about the Surpreme Court ruling about gay marriage. I do feel badly about it and wish the gay folks well. The more I read, the more it amazes me that this qualifies as an issue. How a single person can convince themself that two gay people they will never meet getting married will affect their life... I wish we had better things to debate.

Ex. The story about the investment fraud, the one that swindled local residents out of about 138 million dollars, has no comments. The one about gay marriage has 14. Let's find a few...

Go fight a battle that is truly more equal. Go fight global warming, go fight hunger, killings, poverty. Make a difference in something that is going to help the world. This is like the civil war all over again.

WHAT!?!? The CIVIL WAR!?!? Guess which side of the issue this guys in on, just guess.

Like donuts, I grew up in Fresno and moved to LA and never looked back. It's people like you Joe that make Fresno unpleasant and forces good people to look elsewhere to live.

Oh wow, this entire blog is summed up in that statement.

Get with it, please. Your hedgemony in CA is over.

He spelled hegemony wrong and severely bastardized its meaning. Guess which side this guy is on?

Next we could have people wanting to marry children or animals.

Conservatives and the slippery slope, a match made in heaven. Get it? Heaven!?!? Ahahahahah!!

It's got a pulse

I'm sorry dog, but it's time to start the death clock for valleysportspulse.com

I was seriously excited when I heard about the site, but it just ain't cuttin it. One of the lead columns has been up since April 2nd and has the following subheadline:

Fresno State head coach Pat Hill is not one for offering many prospects before their senior year.

I check this site several times a week, and every single time I try to figure out how to fix this sentence. I think the words "a scholarship" would help right? But even then it's still SO AWKWARD!!

Then there's Takada's latest column (Up since April 29th) about the Oakland Raiders.

"psssssssst. it's called valleysportspulse.com dumbass!!!"

And dude, nobody thinks Al Davis is a good owner. You might as well write about how walking involves legs.

Now look at some of the quotes from the welcome column "written by Andrew Marden."

I suuuuuuuuuuuuuure don't know how, but for some reason more of the shit is about Takada than the site! Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm:

He also believes he is the right person to run this operation. And why not? George Takata has lived in the valley since 1985. He has been on TV in the valley since 1996.

I mean shit, as long as there isn't anyone who has lived here longer than 24 years or been on TV before '96 I guess he's right!

“People have always asked me when I was going to try and make the jump to a larger market,” says Takata."

Translation: "When will I not have to see you anymore? I can't stand your cocky ass!"

He credits friend Chris Miller for coming up with the name “valleysportspulse.com.” But now it’s his name - George Takata - that’s all over the media kits and the business cards.

How surprising

What is valleysportspulse.com?

That is a question owner/president George Takata has been asked several times over the past few months.

Quit asking, that's rude. And before you go off about the difficulty of working on a budget or the economy or whatev, look how many times Fresnomore has been updated since April 2nd...

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lazy

The relief at being outisde of the valley for the summer is indescribable. I feel like I've been rescued.

The paper had something about record setting heat, a special election that will either rescue the jacked up state budget or just let it fail that hardly anyone from Fresno is showing up for, a 15-month-old ingesting meth, blah blah blah.

It all seems like a big joke, a terrible dream that you wake up from relieved as HEYUL that it's not real. Of course I'll be back in August, so I better keep in mind that the covers are coming back.

This thing here really is cool. You can type in any address in Fresno and find the last 50 crimes within a quarter mile, half mile, or whole mile radius. They even have color codes for what kind of crime it was. Try it at your own peril.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just read it.

Make-up Call

"I'm 18!"

You know, like when the ref makes a TERRIBLE pass interference call and then calls offensive holding on the other team a few plays later:

Crime Alert Attempted Robbery Date/Time of Crime:

Thursday, May 14, 2009Approx. 2:30 p.m.

Location:

Maple Ave. two blocks south of Shaw Ave.

Incident Information:

Thursday, May 14th a report was made to Fresno Police Department that an individual was walking southbound Maple Avenue two blocks south of Shaw, when confronted by one black or Hispanic male and one white male with a knife. The victim was not physically injured and did not give up any personal belongings. The two suspects fled the scene on foot north towards the university and then east towards an apartment complex.

Suspect Information:

Suspect 1 White Male19-25 years old Height: 5ft. 7in. or 5ft. 8in.Weight: 150lbs light brown facial hair wearing a tan hat and white shirt

Suspect 2Black or Hispanic Male18 years oldHeight: 5ft. 7in. or 5ft. 8in. Weight: 150lbsdark hair wearing a dark t-shirt

This really is one of the goofiest things I've seen from FSU. Why do we need to hear about an attempted robbery? To prove that they can take less than 19 hours to report a crime, of course.

They pulled a knife on somebody and didn't take anything? And if they fled north and then east "towards an apartment complex", that's a pretty narrow location. How hard can it be?

Even funnier, the one guy is definitely white but is somewhere between 19 and 25 years old. And the other guy is DEFINITELY 18, but might be black and might be hispanic. How hard can it be? Did you see his hair?

Not to slam the FPD, but it just ain't necessary. Swallow your embarrassment from a few days ago and move on. Then again, I got a few laughs out of it, so it's aaaaaaaaall good.

OMG

Abazu sent me this today. I'll just post the message verbatim:

..this story kind of sums up the central valley (kind of disgusting)http://www.turnto23.com/east_county/19473681/detail.html

Thirsty Thursdays

I sometimes get pangs of guilt about writing a negative blog, especially when the negativity of others gets to me. Instead, I like to think of this as an honest effort to keep people who don't know about the city from getting the wrong impression. If you're a conservative, family-oriented person who basically likes sitting around the house you'd probably like it here.

Reason I say all this is that I had a really good time last night at the Fresno Grizzlies game. Chukchansi Park is a great downtown venue. More importantly, Thirsty Thursdays is a great promotion where you can get trashed for cheap -- and boy did we.

Nice place, eh?

We had a hookup for free tickets so the beer was the only expense. No one had any idea what the score was, who we were playing, what sport was being played, or where the hell we were, but we enjoyed ourselves. By the end of the night we were singing random songs as a group and hoping nobody we knew was there. Yee Haw.

Caught a glimpse of Fresno Bee columnist Matt James. He was a lot shorter than I expected, and I wonder why he insists on the Mr. Clean look. I was hoping he'd write a column about the game but instead all we got was this. Hard to believe all that stuff happened!

There were negatives, namely that they made you wait in a big line to I.D. you and get you a reeeeeeeeeally tight wrist band and then checked your I.D. again EVERY SINGLE TIME you bought a beer. What gives?

We had a girl with us from France, complete with the heavy French accent and pit hair (seriously!... not really). They wouldn't accept her passport as an ID. She shrugged it off, saying they didn't deserve her money anyway, but I felt bad. Unfortunately that's more of an America thing than a Fresno thing.

It's funny though because France is so insanely lax about the subject. The girl told me she had been drunk, in a bar, at the age of 14 and nobody thought a damn thing of it. Vive le France!! Fucke le Fresno!... I mean,... yea.

Disbarred Fresno lawyer questions himself at trial

Not much going on today, I'm moving all my ish out for the summer and I leave town tomorrow!

Haven't noticed anyone else commenting on this, but come on, it's so damn funny. The lawyer saga continues:

On the witness stand Wednesday, Morris asked himself whether he had stolen any money from his clients.

"Absolutely not," he answered.

But if a theft occurred, Morris asked himself, should he be held accountable?

"At the time I was not myself," he told the panel. "I did not understand the consequences of my actions."

I can't even figure out the logistics! Did he actually run between the witness stand and where the questioner normally sits ala Speedy Gonzalez playing tennis? Did he just recite the monologue like it was nothing unusual?... Hmmm, it might actually work for him. He does sound pretty insane to me...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I walked past an overweight, basically unattractive woman yesterday and overheard her say she was against abortion because women make their "choice" to get pregnant when they open their legs. No seriously.

The chick being anti-abortion was not surprising, but the language! Who says that!?

Dr. Laura should move here. In fact, she should trade places with me.

"You'd fit right in, BITCH!!!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

So dude, back to the Sacramento Hmong trial thing. I just realized that the Shaman's name was "Wang Her Vang". Awesome. Just don't tell any overweight basically unattractive women you might walk by...

Hey 19

Play this song while reading.

Haven't figured out how to embed video yet.

Anyway, this probably isn't what ol' Steeley Dan had in mind... It took the Fresno State administration 19, 19 HOURS to tell students about a fatal shooting right next to campus!
More truth in advertising.

Alas, in the fantasy world where I used to live we didn't have 2 fatal shootings next to campus in 2 weeks. Hey, I'm adjusting, the blog is therapeutic, no?



------------------------------------------------------------------

The "crazy" lawyer fired his lawyer today and is now defending himself, claiming his own insanity while being sane enough to represent himself in court. I wish I were kidding...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Just discovered a few new blogs. The Fresnan is a blog "drunk off Fresno's sweet sweet booze." Right. It's one of those blogs that tries to be cool by saying stuff that makes no sense. Ex: It's description reads,

"The Fresnan is a cityblog influenced by fig orchards, Kopi's hairline, tamales and driving the wrong way on downtown streets.
If you would like to send us some tamales, Fresno tips, press kits, advertising questions or just general niceness, email us."

Sure dude. I think Lil' Wayne started all this.

Then there's Burn Fresno, I like the sound of that better, but his posts run kind of long. Worse, it hasn't been updated in a month.

Which makes me king! Fresnomore fo liiiife!

"I plead insanity." "pssst. No, you idiot! The LAWYER is pleading insanity!!"

Leading off, a truly crazy story. A local lawyer is pleading insanity. As noted earlier, they usually tell their clients to do that right? Say it with me boys...

"IT'S FRENOOOOO!!"

So the dude swindled a ton of clients out of money between '02 and '04. And he's pleading insanity because of a tragic plane crash -- in 1992. Apparently it took him 10 years to realize he was insane.

More importantly, his mental insanity just happened to make him a lot of money! And now that they caught him, the insanity is gone (suppressed by meds anyway). Interesting case. Surely the jury won't buy a 10-year delay for post-traumatic stress disorder. Eh.

-------------------------------------

I went to Wal-Mart today:

I'm not gonna go there again for a while.

---------------------------------------------------

On a serious note, there's some big Hmong trial going on in Sacramento.

I read the article but am still fuzzy on the details, especially where the guy on trial stands historically. However, I can still point to this as a chief example of Valley mentality.

An ocean of Hmong went to Sacramento to say the trial should be dismissed.
"It's a fact cuz we say it is!"

Plainly, obviously, these people were not making calls based on evidence. It's not even possible 8,000 Hmong all came to the same conclusion dialectically while almost everyone from the other races evaluated the situation and came to the opposite one.

Excerpt:

...a defining moment, comparable to marches led by Martin Luther King Jr...

That would be accurate if there were currently Jim Crow laws against Hmong.

Here's a gem:

Sacramento shaman Wang Her Vang burned symbolic paper money as a sacrifice to the ancestral spirits, asking them to release the case.

This is retarded by itself. But really, you couldn't even burn some ones? Cheap ass...

And so it goes. The Hmong know they're getting screwed. So do the Armenians. So do the Filipinos, the Koreans, the Hispanics, the Blacks, the Indians, Hell even the Whites for cyin' out loud!

I saw a shirt the other day that said, "Not Latino, not Hispanic, Mexican!"

I know a guy and a girl who are both Indian, both Gujarati Indian at that, but their parents won't let them date because they are from different classes within their race within a race.

Do you see how this place drives me insane?

(Don't even try calling me racist, I'm not. And if you do, I'll just pull a Fresno and plead insanity... my dog died when I was 10.)

Iiiiiiiiironyyyyyyyyyyyy

I got a very nice complement about this here ol' blog a few days ago. Freaked out when I saw a comment as I'm always afraid it'll be from some high-ranking official who has discovered the site trashing his city (in good fun of course!!...) and is vowing to hunt me down at any cost.

But this one was nice. He complemented the conciceness of the blog, how it was updated often and stayed on subject. The being famous part was nice, I'm sure it's a pipe dream every blogger has (cough cough fresnofamous.com cough), but eh.

SO, I finally found the comment -- after updating 2 times in 2 weeks with stuff about Las Vegas and San Francisco A.K.A. doing the opposite of the ish I got the complement for. Stupid me.

But hey, that's Fresno.

Back on da topic:

"I'm comin' out. I want the world to know..."

Truth in advertising came out from the Bee a few days ago, and for once I completely agree with some valley politicians.

The article details the difficulties of the valley legislators in getting any attention for their region of the State ("The Armpit of California"). Apparently towns like Mendota have 40% unemployment rates, which is admittedly a shocking number.

So they're organizing a march on Washington (still unscheduled) and marched locally for water last month.

It's not an opinion piece, but the article nonchalantly asserts the New York Times as "agenda setting" because it put the valley water march on page A17. Dude, the paper operates out of NEW YORK. What you expect? And have any of these unemployed thought of the obvious thing, LEAVING!?

As the story goes, Americans don't care about the unemployment rate here because it's always high. They also don't buy the farmers' excuse that environmental protection is ruining them since there's plenty of food. And they don't care about food shortages from the world's richest agricultural region because prices haven't gone up.

In other words, they have no incentive to feel sorry for the people here. Another tragedy of modern life. Farms the world over can fill in our gap, men are outdated.

THE POINT:

They need to succeed! They need to march on Washington! They need to get the attention of Barack Obama!! (after Saturday night I'm sure he could make some priceless Fresno jokes) Everyone in America needs to know about this!!!

...Cuz if everybody knows, suckers like me will know better than to move here. Oh no, oh Fres-'No, more

Las Vegas

Oh baby!!

Obviously this isn't quite Fresno related, but hey, that means it's better.

So we went to the Fresno Grizzlies game Thursday night. I had free tickets to Thirsty Thursdays, Hell yea!! Turns out the road team was none other than the Las Vegas blah blah blahs. We got a couple beers in us and suddenly my buddies were yelling; "Let's get on the f-in team bus and go to Vegas!"

And we did!!!!...

Okay, not really. But we went home and drove to Vegas on a whim, arriving around 4 a.m. GREAT way to start a weekend.

First off, I've been to Vegas before, but I've never been impressed with it. I'm not a gambler and that doesn't help, but the scene is what really sort of perplexed me. Hardly anyone we saw was young, or even well dressed. At least 75% of the clientele at our hotel was older overweight blue-collar workers. Forget Las Vegas, call it Middle Ageas.

More importantly, I live for spontaneity (obviously) and excitement that's at least a little off the beaten path. I mean, if it ain't off the path at all, how can it really be exciting right? And certainly Vegas is seen as an exciting place. But dude, it was such an obviously controlled environment. You walk around in maze-like buildings. You drink out in the open. You play various games which are obviously designed so the house wins. And it's all there to take your money. Every bit of it. It just seems boring.

Anyway, the guys I went with were the most outgoing dudes I've ever met. They dominated the conversation everywhere they went, and they won most of their bets out of sheer confidence. Guys like that don't usually hang out with writers and vice-versa, so even as a non-gambler it was fascinating to just watch how they interacted with people.

One of them got down 500 dollars in a roulette game about 30 minutes after we arrived. He didn't even break a sweat. I once lost 5 dollars betting on a football game and got so mad that I cussed out the winner for his brief entry into the fool's paradise, and later apologized. So how this guy could do that I'll never understand.

By the end of the weekend both claimed they had actually made money, and lots of it. I think one said he made 500 overall and the other came out up 300. I don't guess they were lying, though I didn't keep track or anything.

Everything else I could say about the trip is probably not safe for the internet, but yea Vegas ain't for me, at least not until I hit my mid-life crisis.

Oh, oh yea. And whenever we told people at the tables we were from Fresno their eyes got wide and they said something about how lame it was. And I agreed wholeheartedly.

The Fresno Flu, it's killed millions

Sadly, I've been feeling quite uncreative these last few days. A combination of the fallout over that trip to San Fran, a collective several days lacking in action, and the usual stresses of the end of the spring that put many a person down.

I will be leaving Fresno for the summer! How very exciting. Of course, I will try to keep tabs on the city and my friends who will still be here. Because I gotta tell you how much it sucks!! Even from another time zone!!!

Among other things that have me down, a few people I know are graduating from Fresno State and are ecstatic. You'd think they had won the lottery or died and gone to heaven. First off, I don't know what they expect to happen now. Life WILL NOT get any easier just because you have a college degree nor will you have any less work to do.

In fact, it's worse, because you can look forward to the end of the semester in college. With your career you can only look forward to death. Yay!

More importantly, in the craaaaaaaaazy universe where I came from college is fun. It was the best 5 years of my life, and the school president himself couldn't keep me from taking that fifth year (no, he didn't try).

To double check, I looked at my undergraduate school's newspaper online. Sure enough, there were no less than 3 columns that detailed how sad the author was to be leaving. One called his graduation "one of life's tragedies" and in another the girl was crying as she wrote the thing. Seriously, she actually wrote, "I'm crying as I write this."

Again, these people enjoyed college, acknowledged that they enjoyed it, and looked to the real world realistically... Then again, the people at Fresno State probably never had fun in college, so they don't know what they're missing.

Therefore:

Ignorance (A.K.A. Fresno) is bliss.

San Francisco

"Fresno, welcome to the freak show!"

Boy, I don’t even want to describe San Francisco to y’all who probably think of it romantically. But shit, I have never felt like such an old school gentleman than I did there. I kept looking at the MOTHERF—— FREAKS that roamed the streets, and every time I did I got a vision of my Dad, complete with his perfect accent, “But you agree with their politics!” To which I answered, HELL NO! I’d vote against gay marriage my whole life if it means not bein one of these people! I never felt so normal in my life.

RNJ and Abazu have somehow been Fresnoized and ditched me on Thursday. I tried to prove how independent I am by going to San Francisco for Cannabis Freedom Day with the NORML people that I didn’t really know. And to be honest, they were some weird folks. Actually, they weren’t that weird. But they were the most obvious, ridiculous, stereotypical losers I’ve ever met. They met almost every stereotype imaginable of losers. I felt like I was in a movie. The dude liked to spout out random facts (“facts” really) and once finished one by saying, (while awkwardly making eye contact with me through the rear-view mirror) “And that’s why they call me knowledge.” I guess that’s his nickname.

Then later he was driving crazy (he was absolutely the worst driver I have EVER ridden with, I was f-ing terrified) and said, “I don’t drive fast, I fly low.” No irony… none. His car had a camera that showed what was behind you when you backed up. I freaked out because it was so new and amazing to me. He STILL had to readjust literally 5 times to parallel park. One of the times he completely started over, but he wouldn’t let anyone get out of the car to help him. Then we finally parked and he told us to wait and got out of the car and then got back in and readjusted two more times. I hope my writing makes this sound as tedious as it was. Later we spent literally an hour looking for a Chili’s. After half an hour I got the courage to say, “You know, we could eat somewhere else, ha ha, ha.” No response. It had to be a freaking Chili’s! Why!?!? WTF!?!?

But dude, the worst incident ever. Loser dude walked to the restroom in Carl's Jr. Two gross looking homeless girls ask him what time it is. He whips out his phone to find out. They ask if they can use it. He politely says no and walks toward the bathroom. They stop him by saying, “Our friend is in there.” He asks, “Are you in line?” They respond, “No, we already used it.”

We already used it

Words cannot describe how grossed out I was at that point. I had to pee bad, and there was nothing on this earth going to make me go to that bathroom. The other group of bums was discussing various issues and they looked scary.

We ate the food in the car.

I mean, even the bums were a bunch of freaks! We finally got to city hall where the event was taking place. It was small, yard sale small. Not the big, cool event I was hoping for. I thought the whole ‘legalize weed!’ movement was somewhat mainstream. I was wrong. This was a fringe group of scary people. Everyone looked messed up, and they were weird. Three separate guys in their 60s and 70s were there with tattoos, fucked up and dancing. They were – and they were certainly in their heads – living out the real dream of the hippies to live that life as long as they live. But dude, these were old men who should’ve had families and relatives, and it was scary as Hell seeing them act this way. They were just too old for that! Call me bigoted, call me whatever you like, but it scared me then and I hate it now.

In an unrelated incident of how I don’t understand Californians, I saw a friend of mine get a sales pitch thrown at him, which he declined. Thinking it would make good conversation, I went and asked him what that craaaaaazy man had offered him. He looks at me confused – and points directly to the man, who gives me the same lame-ass sales pitch. I say “no” in a way that says “Are you seriously trying to sell me this bullshit” and “I can’t believe he just directed me to a scammer” at the same time.

I got tickled by one song by this old man playing blues. The song went, “I’d rather be sloppy drunk, than (blah blah blah).” And he sang it with this rough, heavy voice that suggested he really WOULD rather be sloppy drunk than anything else. It wasn’t a comedy song but I thought it was funny as Hell, hilarious in its own right on top of the irony of playing this ode to alcohol at a weed convention. I saw him later smoking a cigarette and had the brilliant idea of asking him if he really would rather be sloppy drunk than anything, but chickened out.

Lastly, the people I was with were big time liberals, yet they still had the central valley mentality. We arrived promptly at noon, walked around very organized and normal (read: none of the ridiculous mischief I’m used to getting into), and then left promptly at 5. Inside the incredibly generic Chili’s the leader of the group said he knew it felt early, but we’d be glad we left early after the long ride home. I felt like I was with someone’s Dad, but not my Dad, because he’s not that lame. Also, the main chick in the group made no less than 5 statements about how she was glad a man was driving, how men anchor their women, how great gender roles are, and other 18^th-century shit I couldn’t believe was coming from a girl in 2009 much less a marijuana legalization advocate. Oh and one dude almost threw up from drinking two beers.

Lame-azz wannabees......

First off, I'd like to congratulate Fresno for becoming California's 5th largest city. Yay.

Elsewhere, the city dropped Mayor Swearengin's plan to use GPS devices to track sex offenders even after they have been released. It's a great idea, but, um, oh ish, it's not legal. I tell you what though, if she had ran on making weed cheaper in Fresno I'd have voted for her anyway.

Speaking of sex offenders, a famous one is about to move back here!! Sherman Polk is apparently famous around these parts and has been in jail since 1985. But he still knows where the action is baby; Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeef Naw.

And on a personal note, I had a very "special" trip planned for this weekend to San Francisco. Me and two friends had planned on it since January and by Tuesday night had worked out most of the details. On Thursday, they both suddenly had different plans. One wanted to "go to Vegas!" on a whim (Las Vegas is overrated BS from lame movies BTW) and the other, more bizarrely, wanted to go to San Luis Obispo.

The Vegas guy went, the SLO guy didn't. And I'm still going to San Fran dammit!... albeit with people I barely know. I won't blame my friends' erratic behavior on Fresno because they are not from here and I'd thought before yesterday that they were above the lameness of the city. Rather, they have engaged in some sort of pathetic alpha male stunt. San Francisco wouldn't work because it was my idea and they couldn't be so shamed.

Pardon my French, but Fresno 'em.

The valley now has swine flu.

The valley now has the nation's no. 1 unemployment rate.

The next story? Well, of course, the Fresno zoo might expand.

That's EXAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACTLY what we need!!!

What's so special about Fresno?

Oh ish, this is what I've been waiting for. I received an invitation to take a survey about what makes Fresno so special.
"So tell me, good sir, what three words describe the best things about being waterboarded?"


Here's the link (though it probably won't last long)

Among what you might like about Fresno is the choice: Limited earthquakes, floods, tornados or snow. Okay, it is pretty good in the national disaster area.

Crap, the second questions asks me to rank my top 3 choices. I only picked 2! (the other was agricultural heritage) Okay, I added "fresh produce", since that's basically agricultural heritage 2.0

Now I need to use three words to describe Fresno's personality. Let's see: Satisfied, uncreative, divided. Divided isn't quite right, it's hard to describe how the place is diverse and yet there is no diversity at all because people stick so hard to only others from their race. But um, we'll go with divided.

Next: when talking about the Fresno region, what do I brag about? Jeez, the winter is mild I guess.

Hmm, is the region's image getting better or worse? I really have no idea, but I hope that one day someone will read this blog (just a hobby BTW, not something I expect to get anything out of), so I'll say it's getting worse.

Will we overcome the negative image? Not if I can help it, ya baaastuds!

How is Fresno's esteem? I must admit, it's at least average. There is a strange pride among the locals about Fresno... I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Now they want to know if I'm a manager or business owner, I guess they want to see if my opinion ACTUALLY matters. I'm neither, so I guess it doesn't.

Aaaaaand the demographic information.

The Bee seems to have taken notice of how ludicrous the city looks to a viewer of its local stories and has started hiding the really funny ones in other areas of its web site. When I quit being so lazy I'll figure out where. In the meantime, they still couldn't hide the Bulldog gang member who tattooed his 7-year-old son against his will. Claaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassic!

Relay for Life

Saturday night I trekked it on down to Relay for Life. I'd like to say it was because of my commitment to cancer research, but it was more an attempt to relieve boredom than anything else.

TNJ, a natural at questioning authority, came up with the ingenious plan to reverse the walking direction at midnight. People had been walking counterclockwise around the track since 9 that morning. At midnight mista NJ came out and said, "All right! We're supposed to change direction at midnight!" He convinced the walkers that it was true, and many even walked their first backward lap while wagging their finger in the air in circles to indicate the switch.

Convinced of his i'm-da-shitness, TNJ spent the next 10 minutes musing about how most people blindly follow the crowd through life and don't think for themselves. It seemed a little melodramatic, especially since most people probably don't give a flying fudge which way they walk at Relay for Life. And for some reason the people we played poker with insisted on playing counterclockwise. Here, mista NJ protested, but played on anyway upon finding out that nobody else cared. A contradiction, eh?

This passes for interesting on a Saturday night here.

I'd like to congratulate Bear Pascoe and Tom Bran...stateAAh!, on getting drafted Sunday. Maybe once outside of the valley our boy Tom will blossom. He's a three-year starter, stands 6-5, weighs 230 pounds, and throws the ball on a rope when he wants to. He's a good metaphor for Fresno itself, cuz it really shouldn't suck that bad here! Anyway, if he can get over his mental tendency to completely freak at the first sign of trouble he ought to be good.

More importantly, I'm going to miss getting drunk and yelling his name like that.

Lastly, this swine flu thing is a little creepy. It just came out of nowhere! This time yesterday I'd never heard of it and now I've read four articles about the "pandemic" and it's all over Facebook and everything else. Bird flu, mad cow and SARS ended up being nothing, but I've read The Stand, and I'm still scared.

So, if you are one of the lucky survivors who made it through the swine flu pandemic that killed 99% of the population and you happen to be reading this... look man, don't rebuild Fresno.

(J/K, of course!)

More local ish

I apologize for not updating in the last few days, as I experienced the full fallout from my vacation -- i.e. I got depressed from realizing I really am stuck here for a whole nother year and I'll be another year older when I get out -- jeez, feels like a damn prison sentence.

My buddy told me there was a story in the Bee involving a kidnapping. The dude had gone to a local high school and offered some girls candy. The dude was dumb enough to believe that ish from the movies! Thinks he's in a holy cross between the Truman Show and a creepy episode of Unsolved Mysteries... probably makes a chick keep her bra on to have sex. Um, never mind, I couldn't find the link anyway.

For all the men in Fresno who wish they could get some gender lawsuit action, it just happened! They gave some old man $348,000 because it turns out he didn't assault somebody. Now there's an accomplishment worthy of Fresno.

Lastly, there's a story about local thieves who drop a string with glue on the end into mailboxes to steal the mail. So they're replacing the public mailboxes with something else. Crimes that don't even exist in other places are a problem here!

Wish me luck as I try to numb myself today.

Movie night

Q: What do these 5 seeeeeemingly unrelated things have in common?

A: They all make fun of Fresno!!!


I found out yesterday that the new computer-animated movie Monsters vs. Aliens has a scene involving da 'No. The scene is, the main guy in the film is marrying the main girl. They are supposed to move to Paris, but at the last second he tells her they are moving to Fresno instead, and that it is "better".

She responds, "In what universe is Fresno better than Paris?"

Funny huh?

Don't worry though, Seth Rogen and Reese Witherspoon offered a half-assed apology for the unbecoming joke on the city, saying that they didn't destroy it in the movie like they did San Francisco.

Turns out they didn't destroy any OTHER cities either, but who's counting?

Researching a bit more, I found out there are Fresno jokes in Con Air, Thelma & Louise, and EDtv, as well as many on the Johnny Carson show. I got lazy before I started searching for links on those, but dude, seriously!?!?

Consider all of this, and then add to it the fact that millions of people in America, and billions the world over, have never even heard of the place. This reduces the value of the jokes a ton...



THEY COULDN'T RESIST! IT'S THAT FREAKING LAME!!!